What “Love” is to me….

Blugh… I’m still sick. I feel exhausted. This is terrible. At work after singing few nursery rhymes I have to take few minutes of break to breathe ‘cause I feel so damn tired. I just can’t sing like I used to. That’s just sad. It freaks me out. I feel like I’m going to die. And now my sis is sick too. I missed her at work today. Fucking flu… =/

During the staff worship today, a teacher shared a small story about “love”. The most complicated word in my life. Or is it? I really don’t know. There’s so much feelings, memories, questions and answers hidden inside this four letter word. L-O-V-E… 🙂

I have learned that love is all about giving. Then it will come back to you. But we ALWAYS expect love in return. But actually there’s NO such rule. “You MUST love back the person who loves you” Wrong! We just hope and wish they do. It’s a wonderful feeling to know that special someone loves you for who you really are, knowing all your flaws. It’s like a miracle. Being in love is better than any other feeling in the world. It’s best when you are loved back. You can call yourself lucky I guess. Yes. 😀

You know? Maybe they are right. I am a crazy person. Most of the people, even my close friends don’t understand the way I love a person. They question “Why do you love him? Why do you still care?” Sometimes I know the answer. But sometimes? I don’t know. I just do. I love to make them feel loved even if they don’t love me back the way I want them to love me. Even if “I” don’t exist in your world. 🙁 Sometimes I hate that I love so much, they don’t give a shit about me like I’m fucking invisible. :'( But I just want to keep loving them. 🙂 It’s just impossible to hate him.

I have my flaws too. I am not perfect. Not even close enough. I know it very well people don’t have to remind it to me. (Like they are fucking perfect genius) I know I am annoying as hell (at times. Or is it always? Yes. No. Maybe. I don’t know) I get mad so quickly but if I love you I forgive soon. But I don’t forget. Sorry, I can’t even if I want to.

And I love to know everything I can about the person I love (I know it’s impossible but I’d do love to) And sometimes it makes me look creepy and weird freak. I love trying to do things they do. Why? Because I feel like they are close to me even when they are not. I know it sounds stupid and silly and insane. 🙁 But yeah. That’s what I have been doing. But not anymore. 🙂 Why? Because, it’s impossible to know everything about a person even if you live with him/her all through your life. 24/7. It doesn’t matter. I am not God why should I need to know EVERYTHING about him? That would be boring. People always change. That’s a fact. It’s good to have a general idea about the person you love, what he loves and what he hates and shit. Apparently you will get to know about other stuff when you spend time together. You’ll get to know something new about him always.

So yeah. I just stopped doing that and thought. What I do is wrong. I expect things to happen in my head. Maybe I expect too much. Yes. And I always knew expectations lead you to disappointments. 🙁 That was my motto ones.

“Expect nothing from others. You’ll always end up hurt”

But now it’s “Love without expecting love in return” 😀 Why? It feels good to love someone special. Oh! S…. If only he knew how much I love him. He’s weird but freaking awesome. 😀 He’s the kind of person I’d want to spend my life with. 🙂 He rarely talks to me now though. 🙁 I don’t know his side of the story. What he’s going through and all so I don’t jump into conclusions. I don’t even know whether he still loves me or not. I just hope and pray he still does. Time really has changed lots of things you know. Is it the time, is it me, or something else? It doesn’t matter. I feel good loving him. 🙂 I just can’t take him out of my life. I just can’t undo loving him just with a click. Even if I could, I won’t do that. I just want him to feel loved. No. I NEED him to be loved. And loving him makes me happy. Because when I am feeling down, I recall the things he said to me and that helps me to hold on, keep going. Thanks S… 😉

When you are in love, it’s always a wonderful feeling with lots of memories. It’s a strength. I know for some reason you want this love to be a secret. You don’t want it to go public. I really don’t know why. I’m sorry S… I’m trying my best. But I am NOT afraid to let anyone know who I am in love with. How amazing you really are to me (which you will never ever realize why) So yeah. Shut up! And let me love you… 😉

♫♫ …I’m not too shy to show I love you, I got no regrets.

I love you much to, much to hide you, this love ain’t finished yet.

This love ain’t finished yet…  So baby whenever you’re ready

When you’re ready come and get it… ♫♫

My prayer today: God, You put him in my life for a reason I know. Thank you. If it’s your will Lord, give me just one chance to meet the love of my life. To spend a little more time with him. Let me live my life with him if it’s your plan for me. Help me to love him unconditionally just the way you love me. Help him to live the life he always dream of. Amen!

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