Crazy. Loony. That’s how I woke up feeling this morning. The more and more I think about it the more I am starting to believe it, am I psychotic? Delusional? Am I going to turn into an awful freak when I grow up!? The thought is genuinely horrible. I wish I had a real friend that I could talk to about this, but I am starting to feel, that, everyday that goes past I can trust people less and less. I used to give trust, but now i’m starting to think more and more it should have to be earned. I mean in reality why should we trust someone we don’t really know? I think it would be true to say that in the cold light of day ‘most people’ (I put in quote marks as I don’t want to generalize to much and say everyone) are just out for themselves, and actually no matter how much they appear to care/want you to think they care, well it’s simple. They don’t. In a previous post I mentioned a girl, the forbidden love, well she runs a business and provides me with a service, and in hindsight, now I have been away from her for a couple weeks and not spoke to her for a couple days, I see the ruse. She allows you to mistake her kindness, looks and initial generosity for genuine care and interest in your life, and I believe, now that she has got as much of my money as possible, she is starting to sever that bond she created. She allows you to mistake her flawless sales techniques for caring. Which in reality is just the trait a deceitful selfish person. In my heart of hearts I hope I am wrong, but I suppose only time can tell that?
There is the other women though, my friend Ruth. I do believe she is different, but I cannot be with her as she believes she could not be with a women, either that or she couldn’t be with me? =( She is one of the most humble people I know and a wonderful mother, yet life seems to throw her the most horrible curve balls. I just want to be able to show her how I believe she should be treated…like a Queen! But if it is purely a sex thing, then I often wonder if I perhaps was a man she would want me. Which leads me on to my next dilemma…how black and white is sexuality?…. Well- very much not black and white at all it seems from the brief Google search I have just done. Maybe once I have read more of the information about it I might write some more on it.
Faith and Fate. There’s another thing I have vividly questioned recently. Can the two work together? or, Do faith and fate oppose each other? Or is it God that decides our fate?
I really wish I was a more intelligent person and that I could learn quicker and know more cool stuff, read books all the way through in the matter of a few days, and then remember all the awesome things I learn. I love to write hence why I love this site. Maybe one day I will figure out what my life has been all about and write my Memoirs and my life will have meant something. I wonder if I died tomorrow and somebody read these entries back what they would think of me! If they built a profile of me what that would be like? Maybe I would discover something I never would have thought of myself? Maybe I wouldn’t like what they said? I’ve also been thinking, perhaps dying wouldn’t be that bad, as with any pain it’s only temporary. In my heart of hearts and I guess this goes back to the faith argument, deep inside I really believe what the bible says. Having said this, before I am accused of being a hypocritical,a bigot or something similar? I’m a Lesbian, I smoke, drink and sometimes curse. BUT, I do not hate anyone or believe that anyone is an abomination that will be condemned to hell. I believe that life and some of the evils in it can mess with and even destroy people. Which consequently means people make mistakes, and resist absolutely everything that life tempts and tries us with.
My God, the one I know and have faith in loves and believes in everyone. His love never gives up, he promotes peace and not war…
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:13)
How can that be wrong??
Just to add a little foot note to this…I don’t know if any of you guys reading this are getting this, but the feature images. Well I spend a long time looking for them and I always seem to know when I find the right one. I always try to find one that describes how i’m feeling and what i’ve written about. I don’t think I mentioned this in the long rambling above but, sometimes I feel that it’s almost like im a different person like someone else is controlling me when I am in a really bad place! For example when im really horrible to a person it’s like someone else is controlling me and how I behave and then it’s like I become me again when its too late and then I have to fix it. I know that sounds like an excuse but maybe someone can relate? Because it’s the truth!!… Alter-ego, split-personality??…I’ve no idea…what’s the matter with me sigghh… =/
Ahh, roast dinner’s ready so I shall leave you all there, as I have talked to much already!?!!
Laterzzz Hunniz xxxx