God are you there? It’s me Callaghan.

God are you there? It’s me Callaghan.

As a follower of Christ I wonder why every time I go through a hardship I push him away. People say it’ll just draw you back in. Back into his arms because of Grace. But I’m tired of those words and never seeing any good. Maybe it’s just my mentality, and that I’ve been beaten down far too many times. The good and the bad…there is always a scar. There is always something to remind that I have flaws, and maybe that I am human. But I don’t like what I see. The scars, the girl in the mirror that looks “Happy”. Whatever that is. Because right now I don’t know what that is. I’m a girl who just turned eighteen and is expected to know what she wants to do with her life and I don’t know if I should do what my parents want, what my heartaches for me to do, or do the logical thing. I remember when my world came crashing down just as hard as when I get the news my dad tried to kill himself two years ago before one of my biggest performances of my show choir career so far. Disney. Yet this was just as bad. I was told that I had a torn ACL and I needed surgery as soon as possible, just a month before graduation and doing a show that was picked with you in mind as the lead character.

Maybe this is God teaching me patience…and go lean on him when I don’t have the strength anymore. Yet he feels so far away and I don’t know where to look. In my notebook, my tumblr, my surroundings or bible. Where are you God besides up above me. I could use you, really. I have to face college, my fears of hospitals and physical therapy. I need help deciding if I pick my health or passion. Which is a big step for me. Nine months of nothing but relaxing is too much. That calls for more over thinking in my lonely dorm with my textbooks and anxiety. The feeling of drowning in my own thoughts and air losing flow in my lungs.

Nine months God. Nine months until I’m back to being on that stage. And that’s if they want me and my six scars added to the list of many baggage I have mentally and physically. Who wants that. Someone who could explode any minute now, or someone who could tear their AClL again with just a flip of a switch.

God are you there? It’s me Callaghan. 

And I need you. 

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