Lost.

This isn’t the way I thought my life would go down. This isn’t…right. Something doesn’t feel right. This is too weird, this is too much. I thought things would be better after meeting him. I’m still hurting and I don’t know how to make it stop. Everything hurts, deep in my core. How am I supposed to react? My feelings are hurt but I can’t tell him that. How do I face his kid, knowing she actually thinks I lied about my ex beating me? Knowing that she actually sent said ex a text, saying these things? Was I wrong in thinking I could handle his teenage daughter when I’m only ten years older than her?

Not to mention the fact that my fiance actually decided to message a friend of mine a couple of months ago, saying…sexual things he shouldn’t have been saying. Is that karma? Is all of this karma?

I need to rethink my life, my values, my morals, my personality, the fact that it’s so hard for me to smile now. I feel so betrayed. So alone. So left out in the cold. My “dad” hates me too, won’t even talk to me.

I’m hurting and all I can do now is drink heavily when his kid isn’t around. I don’t know how to handle this, to pretend to be strong. All of this shit is happening to me, two of my friends died in the past eight months…so much shit has happened in the past year but I’m just supposed to be okay. I’m not. Who even cares? Who do I reach out to? I’m supposed to be getting married but I’m over here falling apart.

Just when I think that I’m about to pull myself together…something happens and the pain comes back.

What would grandpa want me to do? I feel like crying, but I don’t think I have any tears left to cry. Maybe working on a story would help me feel better. There’s no way I could do other work tonight. I guess for now I’ll drink, listen to music, and write my heart out.

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