I don’t clearly think things through, in particular huge decisions in my life.
For some odd reason, I have been thinking about an ex of mine who I haven’t spoken to in nearly 3 years. Every single thought I have throughout the day pulls a small memory of him from a locked part of my brain. Every dream I’ve had in the past 3 weeks has had him in it. I can clearly remember his voice in my head and I haven’t been able to do that in a long time.
I know why I broke up with him. I did it because he deserved someone far better than me. I was clinging onto him and dragging him down with my problems. Yes, I know this sounds silly and childish, but it is true. At that time my life was spinning upside down like an intense roller coaster. So – I took all my courage and mental strength and told him we were over.
I recently came upon a journal entry hidden away in an obscure folder on my laptop from when my ex and I were having problems. I came upon the phrase that he said to me “I want to wait for you – three to four years down the road.” As I read it felt like my heart fell out of my body and I cried. I cried to the point where my tears were burning my cheeks as they fell. There’s no reason for me to want to be with him again – I left him because he deserved better than me.
But… I can’t stop thinking. All I hope is that now he’s found someone new and he’s married or at least engaged. Then maybe my heart won’t feel like it’s slowly rotting out of my chest.
I don’t know if what I did was “noble” or anything like it, but I was trying to do what I thought was right. If you really love someone more than anyone else in the world, you would do whatever it takes so they can be truly happy, right?