Clear

I don’t clearly think things through, in particular huge decisions in my life.

For some odd reason, I have been thinking about an ex of mine who I haven’t spoken to in nearly 3 years. Every single thought I have throughout the day pulls a small memory of him from a locked part of my brain. Every dream I’ve had in the past 3 weeks has had him in it. I can clearly remember his voice in my head and I haven’t been able to do that in a long time.

I know why I broke up with him. I did it because he deserved someone far better than me. I was clinging onto him and dragging him down with my problems. Yes, I know this sounds silly and childish, but it is true. At that time my life was spinning upside down like an intense roller coaster. So – I took all my courage and mental strength and told him we were over.

I recently came upon a journal entry hidden away in an obscure folder on my laptop from when my ex and I were having problems. I came upon the phrase that he said to me “I want to wait for you – three to four years down the road.” As I read it felt like my heart fell out of my body and I cried. I cried to the point where my tears were burning my cheeks as they fell.  There’s no reason for me to want to be with him again – I left him because he deserved better than me.

But… I can’t stop thinking. All I hope is that now he’s found someone new and he’s married or at least engaged. Then maybe my heart won’t feel like it’s slowly rotting out of my chest.

I don’t know if what I did was “noble” or anything like it, but I was trying to do what I thought was right. If you really love someone more than anyone else in the world, you would do whatever it takes so they can be truly happy, right?

One thought on “Clear”

  1. Fuck that ! I used to be like tht .. Still am . Nothing good will ever come from this self sacrifice . U will forever think abt him , and u will suffer , no matter what “Noble” reason u had .
    If u really loved him , u should know tht LOVE isn’t easy To find. So give yourself a chance . Go out with him as friends , see how u feel , how he moved on or not . And then u can be shure if u made the right decision or not . We only live once . Think abt tht . Be a lil more selfish , from time to time .

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