“Pressure”

I can feel the pressure, it’s getting closer now.

–Pressure

–Paramore

All We Know is Falling came out like ten years ago, when Hayley was only like sixteen, but her voice still sounded really great then. It sounds way different from Paramore–I mean, I suppose because it was way more emo, and she was so much younger. “Pressure” is one of the very good singles from AWKiF, especially the one line that I’ve written up there.

But seriously, I really can feel the pressure…of growing up. Because I’m almost sixteen and almost grown up and I should be taking everything (like my studies) seriously now and shouldn’t be spending too much time on such time-consuming kiddy hobbies like writing, listening to music, and spending time on the internet. *Sigh* While I do feel kind of happy at knowing that I’m almost grown up (actually not much happiness TBH) I’m also feeling a hash of these thoughts: *Sobbing* Is this my life? I can’t believe this is my life. Childhood was barely here and now it’s gone and I have to grow up? Please don’t make me grow up, plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!! GOD, DON’T MAKE ME ADULT, NOT YET!!! and Oh my god. Fuck, fuck, fuck, okay, I know I have to do something, so what do I do now?? Um, I think I should make this my priority–but wait, I also have to learn physics, and understand chemistry…and more importantly taxes! I have to know about taxes!! And how to budget myself!!! And how to cook without setting the house on fire!!!! FUCK, I don’t even know what the fuck I’m supposed to be doing first to become an adult what will happen to me when I’m on my own I’ll just disappoint everyone and ruin my life OH GOD PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO DOOOOOOO.

Yeah, that’s just what my inner monologue sounds like when I’m lying awake at night, paralyzed with fear as I torture myself with worries.

I suppose it’s…normal to have these conflicting thoughts when you’re about to grow up and enter the world because your down has shed and been replaced with wings that will allow you to leave the nest forever. At least, I hope it’s normal. I don’t want to sound really immature or anything (even though I am). I know tons of people already have their whole fucking (forgive the profanity–today it just feels kind of necessary) lives mapped out, where they’re going to college, what they’re going to major in blah blah blah–and they’re actually looking forward to growing up, because they’re already pretty prepared for it. But I’m sure as fuck not one of those people because…I mean come on, how could I be.

Well, anyway, I suppose it’s actually not bad that I’m worrying about it. Worrying and actually giving a fuck about all these things means I’m halfway to actually solving them, right? Right??

So yeah I sound kind of panicky and insane here. Ignore that. That’s what my inner monologue sounds like all the time. And unlike Anastasia Steele or Bella Swan’s torturous thoughts, I actually think my thoughts are kind of, you know, good for me. I mean, I’m actually thinking, which they were not, as evidenced by their very poor life choices.

Oh yes. Today I had the second-to-last class with my teacher J. It was a rather odd class, because she was apparently feeling kind of, I don’t know…scattered? She was talking about a lot of different weird things, like she would tell us to stay safe and take care of each other and not talk to strangers, and then she would come out with something else. Maybe she’s just feeling sad that she has to leave us soon and is finding it hard to concentrate. I think I forgot to say earlier that I cried when I was saying an early thank you and goodbye to her. I also said goodbye to L and M, but I didn’t cry–I was much more in control of myself. Anyway, I’m feeling sad that this year is almost over and I won’t see these classmates again, either…they’re so nice and funny and I feel like I’ve known them for so long, like I was an actual part of the class. I don’t know. Nostalgia, I guess. And too much sentimentality. That is one of my worst problems–I miss the past and I become way too nostalgic for my own good, which makes me ugly-cry. Seriously. I look terrible when I cry.

Anyway. I’m thinking of moving to another site sometime–this one doesn’t exactly have a very lively community, does it? People come and leave. They don’t stay for very long, which is sad. If I do, I’ll leave a link or something here so if anyone wants to keep up with me, they’ll know where to find me (though I highly doubt that, as all of the nicest people have all gone).

One thought on ““Pressure””

  1. I understand all you are going through, what you need to do is, just take life as it comes…..you will know what to do next. all the best.

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