wishing for….something

It’s Friday night and I am sitting home, alone. I don’t even have my daughter for company. I wish I was confident enough to go out on my own, have a drink, meet people. But I’m not. Instead I sit here in my apartment craving the company of another human and doing nothing about it. It’s sad really. I’m twenty five years old,  I should be able to go out on my own and be okay with my own company. I should be confident enough to meet new people. It’s funny, the people who “know” me would all say that I am a strong, confident, independent woman. How the hell can I make others believe that and not make myself believe it? Very few people, okay like three people, actually know me well enough that if they think of me at this moment they will see in their minds eye me sitting alone in my apartment feeling sorry for myself. And they all care about me enough that any one of them would drag me out into the world for my own good if they were here. Sadly though they aren’t.  They all live far away now, they are all living their lives like normal people. And here I sit feeling sorry for myself.  I know logically that I could paste on a smile go out and dredge up enough confidence to at least talk to people but I stop myself. I don’t know why. I know that the one making me miserable is me, knowing what the problem is, knowing that I could fix it, it’s still so hard to make myself take action. My logical brain thinks everything through, comes up with solutions ,and answers to why…. still though the doubts scream louder. My doubts block me from taking the actions I know to be right. I block me. I understand this and yet I can’t seem to stop. I just wish….. I wish that I could be the woman that I try so hard to fool others into believing I am. I wish I was her….. this woman they see.

2 thoughts on “wishing for….something”

  1. I can so relate to this post so much. Girl I know exactly how you feel. you’re only human. you don’t have to have it all together every second…but you will reach that place where you’re happy with being who you are .just Be you. Don’t be too hard on yourself .try to be positive , think positive .Don’t think too much..It’ll drive you insane!.. just live , And surround yourself with positive people.start investing in your happiness.. Work on you.

  2. Thank you. I know I need to just let go and breathe. I just have a hard time getting past all of the noise in my head telling me it will be too hard, too awkward, I’ll stand out too much. I know that if I just let go it would be easier and I would be fine. I’m working on it a little bit more every day.

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