It’s Friday night and I am sitting home, alone. I don’t even have my daughter for company. I wish I was confident enough to go out on my own, have a drink, meet people. But I’m not. Instead I sit here in my apartment craving the company of another human and doing nothing about it. It’s sad really. I’m twenty five years old, I should be able to go out on my own and be okay with my own company. I should be confident enough to meet new people. It’s funny, the people who “know” me would all say that I am a strong, confident, independent woman. How the hell can I make others believe that and not make myself believe it? Very few people, okay like three people, actually know me well enough that if they think of me at this moment they will see in their minds eye me sitting alone in my apartment feeling sorry for myself. And they all care about me enough that any one of them would drag me out into the world for my own good if they were here. Sadly though they aren’t. They all live far away now, they are all living their lives like normal people. And here I sit feeling sorry for myself. I know logically that I could paste on a smile go out and dredge up enough confidence to at least talk to people but I stop myself. I don’t know why. I know that the one making me miserable is me, knowing what the problem is, knowing that I could fix it, it’s still so hard to make myself take action. My logical brain thinks everything through, comes up with solutions ,and answers to why…. still though the doubts scream louder. My doubts block me from taking the actions I know to be right. I block me. I understand this and yet I can’t seem to stop. I just wish….. I wish that I could be the woman that I try so hard to fool others into believing I am. I wish I was her….. this woman they see.