Beauty I had not ever seen.

When I first saw you, I instantly thought you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.  When I look inside myself, at the real me, not telling any lies, no manipulative motives, I know to the core of whoever I am, I will never find someone as beautiful as you are to me.  To this day, when I see you, or I am lucky enough to receive a picture from you, I swear my heart literally skips a beat, you take my breath away.  When I first saw you, I had to know you.  In so many ways I am forever grateful we met, I just can not fathom now the devastation I have brought to you.  I have so much inside of me wanting to get out, I feel like I could write a damn book right now, all these feelings I have shoved away in favor of my own needs and desires for so many years, I feel like they all want to come rushing out of me. I am scared to fucking death, I can’t trust my own mind. I don’t know what is real, and what is me being manipulative. I have been this horrible person for so many years now, and I DONT FUCKING TRUST HIM! And you are smart to be protecting yourself right now, and not trusting me either.  I will find a way to listen, to hear what my heart is telling me, to try and silence or at least ignore all these incessant thoughts/voices in my head. I want to weed through the bullshit, and be sincere and honest. I truly want to change, for me, for the kids, for you… You are the most beautiful women, the most beautiful person I will ever know. My heart wants so bad to just be true…

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