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RISE

Today I feel like I could fight the world.

Of course this is only one of my good days. Most days are not like this.

It started the day of my sisters high school graduation. I was so happy during the ceremony, I filmed her along with some of our other friends as i sat next to her boyfriend and her friend.

While i filmed her going down that ail in that graduation gown I couldn’t help but wonder all the thoughts going through her head.

After the ceremony I left with my parents because I wasn’t feeling too well. She came home about an hour later and we looked at the things i had filmed. We went to sleep pretty late that night.

The next day felt strange. I had just woken up from a nightmare, which I don’t know how to explain. Which is good I guess since there’s nothing more boring than a person trying to explain their dreams.

Anyway, after waking up from this nightmare I felt different. Out of place really, as if I wasn’t myself anymore. Ignoring  this feeling while talking to my sister about the future and how nervous she was about everything.

I noticed myself constantly going to the bathroom. Suddenly I started having trouble breathing, I felt like my throat was closing up. I felt wrong.

I went to my sisters room, again ignoring this feeling, as we watched scrubs (a show about silly doctors with some serious moments tossed in because… well there in a hospital) I started worrying about my health and about a breast lump I had found about 7 months back in December. I’m 16 and the chances of it being anything serious are very low, I had also gone to the doctor a few months back to get it checked and was told not to worry about it, but something was off with me that day. I started panicking thinking “Oh god no, it definitely is cancer”

I ignored the feeling for a while before finally telling my sister that I was having an anxiety attack… i think? I broke THE EVER LIVING THE FUCK DOWN. I seriously felt like I was gonna die or pass out or something. She woke up my dad and he saw me crying i felt so fucking stupid cause I knew there was nothing wrong with me yet there was this part of me that was just being so irrational in every way.

That day was one of the worst days of my life. Its only been like what? 2 months since then, yet it feels like its been years. i think a week (or maybe a day I don’y know my perception of time became shit after that) after that little break down i went to a clinic because I was having breathing problems and hadn’t slept at all that day because i literally felt like I would stop breathing if I fell asleep.

The doctor told me I didn’t have any breathing problems I was having an anxiety attack. He prescribed me some pills to help me sleep and calm my anxiety

No i didn’t listen because again I was being irrational. That night again i felt like i was going to stop breathing. Keep in mind I hadn’t slept for about thirty-two hours. My dumb ass decides I should go to the hospital.

ARE yOu FuCkiNg kidding me right now? Its like one in the morning. why would i do that?

So yeah i go to the hospital and again they tell me I’m fine everything is fine I’m just having some anxiety problems. I go home and I STILL thought the doctors are wrong and that I actually have a sleeping problem.

The doctor told me I should see them again if my anxiety and depression (because its a two for one deal how fucking cool is that!) worsens.

I honestly cant tell if its gotten better or worse cause damn are these mood swings fucking me up.

And yeah you could tell me I’m just a teen and im just over reacting well fuck you okay? I wish i was just pretending

my head feels like mush all the time and every time i eat it makes my stomach hurt, i get dizzy easily, life seems pointless, death is inevitable

but thats okay

because I want to stay alive to see my future and how it turns out, i want to see my little brothers grow up, i want to see my sister get married, i want to make friends that i love and love me

I want to stop seeing life as this pointless thing

and I swear ill beat this stupid ass anxiety some day

 

2 thoughts on “RISE”

  1. First, I want to commend you for seeing the big picture. People usually don’t realize the pointlessness of life until they get really near death; then they start giving their money to charity and such or they spend it all on trifles. But is life really pointless? If you’ve made up your mind about it, then I really can’t help, but if not, I hope you take the time to read this: What if life is not pointless, but meaningful? Every moment. Look, I’m not here to sell you anything, and I won’t be benefiting from this at all. I’m just trying to sincerely help another stranger on the internet. What if you don’t have to worry about your future? What if you could realize the adventure of life ahead of you and that it has hope?

    The Bible.

    You should read it. Start at Mark. I’ll write back if you’re interested in learning that there is more to life than making money or relationships or happiness. Because there is a God, and He loves you.

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