Fears and Proclamations (NSFW)

This is my street, I smile at the faces I’ve known all my life. They regard me with pride.
Everyone’s sweet, they say “you’re going places!” so how can I say that while I was away I had so much to hide!
Hey, guys it’s me: the biggest disappointment you know! So what do I say to these faces that I used to know? “Hey, I’m home?” Just breathe. -Breathe, “In the Heights”

I’ve loved these lyrics since Junior year of college. They pierced my heart and my soul in a way I didn’t understand at the time, in a way that I still don’t fully comprehend, but I understand this: I have disappointed the people I love because I had to hide myself from the whole world. I tried for 24 years to fit into a skin that was not my own. For four years I tried to be a “normal” married woman. I broke myself into pieces to fit into a mold that was not meant for me.

Allow me to explain.
I married a Gaslighter. If you are not familiar with that term, let me quote thehotline.org for you:
Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.
Forgive me here, because I’m about to drop the bass on this. I try not to talk about my ex-husband on social media or with friends because I don’t want my opinion of things to color their opinions too much, but I have to get this out, which is exactly what I got this journal for, so here goes!

My ex-husband was addicted to porn. I knew this before we got married, he got help, we got married, he got better.
December 2013, he got hooked on it again. I still have no closure over this. I probably never will. F*** him for that.
I knew something was wrong. He stopped talking to me, started acting all shifty, and anytime I asked him about it, he told me I needed to get my anti-depressant levels checked, or take a midol, or I was just imagining things because I was “dramatic”. (He hated that I wanted to be an actress, but wouldn’t come out with it until I was basically already leaving him. Moving right along…)
He lied to me for months. At least months. As mentioned above, I still doubt my memory, perception, and sanity around this situation, but at least when he finally admitted he was “using” again, he claimed it had been for four months.

He said he wanted to work things out (Lie).
He said he’d always come after me (Lie).
He said he’d wait for me to come around (Lie).

Noticing a pattern?

He used me. He abused me. Mentally and sexually. He threatened me. Not directly, but he would “jokingly” bring up the fact that where we lived, there was a law that said spousal rape was not real rape.

Yeah, funny f*ing joke, bro.

What makes all of this worse, is I know he still believes he’s right. He has gaslighted himself (or been gaslighted by his mother) for so long that he has no perception of reality anymore.

He doesn’t see it.
He doesn’t see what he did to me.
He probably never will.
He hates me.
He blames me.
He doesn’t see his fault in any of it.He believes he is the victim.
And here I sit, in another city, in my new boyfriend’s apartment, feeling more love than I can imagine, but those hurts… still hurt. Those wounds will never quite heal, I don’t think. Perhaps with time. Perhaps. Distance certainly didn’t make it go away. Maybe someday, far, far in the future, I will hear he’s getting married again, and I will pray for that girl. Perhaps, I will hear that he’s moved far away to pursue the career he always wanted, and I will pray for those around him. Perhaps someday, I will read his obituary, and perhaps then I will feel peace, vindication for what I suffered in silence. Perhaps I will simply never feel peace about it.

No, f*** that. I choose to feel peace. He has no more power over me. I hereby reclaim the power which I gave up in my past. My power is mine and mine alone, and no one can take it from me ever again. I will be a victim no longer! F*** him! F*** his mom! F*** anyone who believes his lies, and good goddamn riddance!

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