How the fuck did I end up here?

When you really sit back and think about how you really feel and where you are in life most of the time I say I’m good and I’m happy? but am I really? am I all that happy? is happy being afraid to be sad around the person you love because it annoys them and makes them mad because I cant justify why I’m sad?

Is being happy feeling like when you talk its annoying people? or like they are ignoring you and only filling in pauses with “yeah” or “uh huh” to make you feel like they are listening? what about when they roll their eyes at you when they think you cant see them? or even when they mutter things under their breath? cause I’m sorry but I don’t think that’s what most people deem to be happy to feel…

But another thing is I don’t understand why things got like this? maybe its my fault… and maybe its not? I mean yeah it could be my fault? in the past I’ve been told its my fault so it has to be? How can it be the same when iv done nothing the same? I’ve done my best to always watch what I say (besides a few slip ups) and I’ve done my best to not push things when I cant control them I just don’t know what to do anymore…

Do I blame myself for something I don’t know how to control and something that I really cant control? or do I continue to get mad at the person who means so much to me because I feel that they don’t want to really BE with me anymore? I mean how do I politely say “hey you don’t value me anymore do you?” without a) getting my heart ripped out or b) causing an argument or possible break up… In all honesty I feel like I’m only around to stop them from feeling lonely…

When did it go from feeling like a princess and feeling like I was the most important thing to them… to feeling like a space filler? Not to say that I don’t matter to them because I feel that I’m worth something… just don’t know what anymore?

I don’t  think its just my relationship with them that’s taking a turn for the worst that’s making me think that I’m doing something wrong… I don’t feel like when I’m staying with my mother that I’m really WANTED there either? I mean she works and I’m kinda left to do everything that I normally do when I’m with my boyfriend I get that but I feel like I’m a space filler there too. she ignores me now when I try to talk to her, when I repeat myself it goes un noticed and better yet when I get annoyed about her flat out ignoring me when I’m speaking to her… I’m being a rude disrespectful brat? this all sounds very stupid and childish but honestly its how I feel right now.

Once upon a time I loved how things had been with my mum she did everything she could to make me happy and what every it took to make me feel like I was important to her, but now since I have been practically living with the person I’m with she doesn’t really want much to do with me… making all this feel rather frustrating… I mean when you feel like your constantly feeling like your walking on egg shells to avoid your boyfriend getting snappy and rudely sarcastic (not sure if its unintentional or not?), and feeling like your mother doesn’t have time and effort for you… somewhat leaves you with the feeling of “well fuck where am I meant to fit now?”…

Kinda feels like everyone had their own really important life going on now too, everyone has kids and everyone’s getting married I’m kinda sitting here like huh what am doing? I feel physically and emotionally drained from trying to get my diploma in early childhood education to the point where thinking about even studying makes me want to scream and cry! try explaining that to anyone and they say I’m not trying hard enough or its what I chose to do with my life… But really I just want to be around kids, I want to be a teacher because I feel li go so fucked over by teachers growing up that I don’t want them to get it too just because they don’t fit into the education systems little cookie cutters! the only thing that’s even making me the slightest bit happy about anything right now that doesn’t feel forced is learning Japanese sounds weird but I get so excited about because it has nothing to do with my life?

I don’t understand why that’s the way I feel I just feel like the less things have to do with where I am in life, the more I want to do them? Sometimes I wish everything was as simple as cheesy anime story lines where you fuck up you learn from it and nothing bad happens not you fuck up you learn from it and everything continues to fuck up…

Long story short… I’m sick of being ignored by everyone!

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