Letting my Back ground out ***Warning*** VERY LONG BORING POST***

Well i guess i best add a little brief history to explain why it is i am here so no one feels lost … I as a person have always suffered with some sort of depression … some think it is nothing to be suffered as it does not exist and is just a life choice … others , including my GP state that it is actually and illness and as much as that sounds scary … i would just like to point out that if something is an illness then there is a chance for a cure … so here’s hoping .
From a young age i was a worrier , constantly worrying about everything and anything , something somebody said at school , a up coming spelling test etc… my parents split up when i was young and that also added a lot to buzz around my little brain but i was lucky as my mom is an amazing person.
My dad was my hero it broke me when he went and he used that. he used it against my mom to give her a hard time with me slowing dripping poison into my mind about her… luckily enough i grew up and was not totally stupid to see the truth in later years. this point i will come back to later.
when in school i was bullied for being different or too quiet or just for being me. i worked hard in school maybe this was part of the reason people made fun of me … but what didn’t help me was i found comfort in being around adults and so i moved away from the younger kids and tried to be more around the teachers … great way to gain the name teachers pet. great way to increase the bullying … schools were not as up with bullying as they are now back then and so there was a lot of ignore it and it will go away , and so i spent most of my primary school life the victim.
By the time i got to secondary school i was forging my individuality as a cloak around myself to keep these people who would bully me away… as with us all when we start secondary school you get given a choice in those first few seconds hours and days maybe even weeks to find your place in the social ladder …. your role in the food chain … i couldn’t bring myself to see people being bullied or teased because i understood how that felt , i gravitated towards these people , i didn’t know how but i wanted to help , be there to stand up for them or to usher them away from the trouble approaching them , by surrounding myself with these people trying to do the right thing trying to help i brought that scared frightened victim of a child from primary school with me straight into secondary school … i wasn’t one of the ‘popular kids’ i became what became known as one of the ‘commoners’ … some one that isn’t beautiful isn’t talented isn’t the girl every lad wants and every girl wants to be … i was within a few weeks dubbed the tramp … because i chose to help a girl that had quite bad BO and obviously ‘Stinky and the tramp’ has a nice ring to all the ‘cool’ kids…
Now there was an evil thing lurking inside of me … one of my first memories of it bubbling to the surface was when i was about 5 maybe 6 … the few people i did have as friends had had an argument and i was all upset … i remember sitting on the floor in the playground looking at the jagged hard sharp tarmac thinking if i just scrape my knee along there people will just think that i fell over but maybe it will get rid of my fullness … fullness now i guess with my more mature understanding would probably mean pressure like a build up of anger or hurt or frustration …. i just remember feeling very full back then like i wanted to burst but not understanding it … Secondary school stoked the fire under this bubbling evil, in some parts people found it acceptable to hurt themselves it was cool at one point to scratch things into your arm with your compass … i remember my mom finding that i had done that and she hit the roof , it was an up side down cross and 666 above it … mainly because i was going through a deep Gothic stage in my life and i thought it looked cool ( no I’m not a devil worshiper ) . doing this i was surprised to find felt good , but was not enough , and so i started to attack my body regularly with razors , broken glass , the blade out of sharpeners , but always where people could not see . and at gym time i would make sure i could get undressed in the cubicle to make sure that no one saw… the scars started to build up but it was nice to have some sort of release…
Every story has its twists … and mine is that i got a little older got a few friends that understood my weirdness around me and ended up by some fluke being the girlfriend of the most popular guy in school … mad huh … the jock and the goth like a million american teen romance movies we have seen before … we spent a year together and it was going well we were both happy … until i gave him my virginity and in the next week he decided that having one in his bag was not enough when the one u have belongs to the person who has yours and so he took my best friends too … i was on holiday , found out through people not realizing i didn’t know … and boom , my best friend who i had spent every waking minute since we started being friends being around stopping at her house going out on adventures planning the future with her telling her all my secrets … just like that was gone to me … i don’t know what hurt more him or her but either way i still look back at it and cant believe how strong i was about it all . but i remember thinking to myself oh well fuck him then and then laughing at the unintended pun … but yet again the point about my best friend i will come back to later … and i guess him too my first serious boyfriend…
I fell into a poisonous relationship quite by accident as i had been ill for quite a long time been into hospital etc and had been put on bed rest , glandular fever followed by chicken pox ( at 15 they are horrific) and so my only outside link was the internet … back then on the legendary MSN which used to be open constantly on the PC i wasn’t really paying attention to what people were saying to me on there and accidentally agreed to go out with someone … they were happy ,,, me not so much … but i didn’t have the heart to hurt him and so instead i did my best to be nice and a good girlfriend but it wasn’t for me and so in the end i talked to him and his sister so that he would have some one there for him and i ended it … this would come back to bite me on the ass …
So time goes on and i get an older boyfriend , he really introduces me to the scene that i had always wanted to be a part of the rock scene i had the music the style and clothes already but now i entered the scene and to be fair that pub i am still known in today … crazy huh … so yes , another boyfriend who to cut a long story short cheated on me … great …
a 16th birthday party disguised as a 18th birthday party so i could have it in our usual haunt rock bar was one thing i wont ever forget … everything seemed to be going o.k … but then the MSN accidental boyfriend turned up , said he had been invited which i was pretty sure he hadn’t been , he had made my life hell since me ending the relationship and so i was uncomfortable to say the least . he made a big deal of coming over to me and buying me a drink saying he was sorry bygones be bygones etc … i cant remember too much then until a few hours later , i wake up in an alley , ripped tights head spinning feeling sick bruises on my knees scrapes on my hands , luckily not far from where i had been drinking , i stumbled back to find all my friends including the girl whose house i was going to be staying at were gone … they had been told by accidental MSN boyfriend i had moved on to a club without them … and yet there he stood , i tried to tell people i wasn’t happy going back to his even though there were a few of my older friends going too , they said they would look after me and it was not like i could go home because i had lied about where i was in the first place. reluctantly i agreed … i was told i would be fine … it wasn’t , i kept passing out i was all over the place but they got me back to his ,,, not even sure how , i snuggled in next to my female close friend , our other close friend that we regarded a body guard sleeping on the floor next to the bed … and fell into a dreamless sleep … next thing i know something is tugging on me waking me , i slightly open my eyes my head spinning to find accident MSN boyfriend now EX obviously is touching me , he has ripped my tights , moved my knickers to the side and with sharp rough fingernails and hot sour smelling breath he is kissing my body my breast exposed he is grabbing at it licking at my skin , it is agony between my legs , i was terrified , this guy was known to be a bit of a psycho at times , he played sport he was a lot stronger than tiny little me , i was that scared i froze held in the scream and tried by pinching and scratching my friend that lay passed out next to me to wake her , i was desperate for someone to help me but too scared to scream out … when he had finally taken his fill he lay down squeezing in next to me , wrapped his arms tightly around me and wouldn’t let me move … every now and again he would kiss my hair and i silently wept … i hadn’t given him anything sexual when we had been together because i hadn’t wanted to be with him … and so he came afterwards and took it from me … … when he finally fell limp with sleep i rang anyone i could think of for help i got out that house looking terrible and luckily a friend that lived close by helped me out … i was distraught … and even worse he denied all that he did to anyone who found out even my close friend who had been on the bed that night too … and she believed him and not me … i shut myself away …

i guess i was looking for safety when i found the next guy , he was from the pub , 10 years older , lied to his parents to make them think i was older than i was , he tried to make himself look like a gallant hero by keeping his distance until i was 16 and then he plied me with his car and trips out and stuck to my embarrassing week day curfew and we stayed together , although he cheated on me a lot , and he played on things that he knew would make me scared like shouting or smashing up the car or area around me to manipulate me to leave him alone or to do things his way … he got me pregnant … he was happy , i was scared and the thought of not making it to uni was upsetting but also the thought of being a mom was the most amazing feeling in the world … we lost the baby , and the relationship broke down he blamed me … it was horrible … but yet again once the relationship was over he scared me from going to the pub telling me everyone hated me … i moved away and didn’t go back for years later to find out it had all been his lies and he had actually cheated on me a hell of a lot more than i had thought but no one had ever wanted to get involved …
i then had a brief relationship with someone a lot older than me … over 20 years older than me … he was everything i would have probably wanted in a guy back then but i just knew it couldn’t work and so i ended it , i got a lot of abuse about it and manipulation but i moved on …
Uni didn’t help me much either i found drugs drank way too much started to rely on it , cut myself so deep it needed stitches but i was too scared to go get them so i left it … it scarred really badly … i took an over dose and became even more of an outsider …
met a guy the first guy i thought was good enough to move in with … who once we were settled cheated on me and i found out by accident , he also had various sexually transmitted diseases which i am glad i picked up on early as i found his medication got a full check and i was fine … trust blown once again …
next relationship i moved into was strange he seemed so into me so happy and then it started , him leaving me in bed to go into the next room to watch porn and wank , me coming home in the middle of the night from work to porn still playing on the t.v and the laptop and him asleep on the sofa … i got upset hurt and questioned myself he told me was i fat needed to do something about myself … i did i lost loads of weight got addicted to weight training but that still wasn’t enough the porn continued the looking up other girls on Facebook continued … until one morning he woke me up and told me i have a weekend to get out its not working he has realized i am not physically attractive he had just found me funny at first but there is nothing there , the next week i saw him with his new girlfriend …
i had three male older friends help me with this … one that gave me a place to stay … then when i found somewhere of my own got clingy moody and angry saying i was leaving him , who then later on in the future sexually assaulted me also …
another who i had been friends with for a long while , someone who i looked to for comfort and safety someone who i thought i could always trust … he later on in the future breached the trust boundary by asking me what colour my nipples were and making sexual advances once i had become a mother
and another i had met at work , he told me about life warned me about becoming single and the sharks of males that this will attract … he later on in the future got into a relationship with me , used me as a cleaner in his home was too embarrassed for me to meet his friends or family , would never be seen out with me , leave me some where if he thought someone might see us together … and then one day he told me he didn’t love me anymore he actually never had … he used me for sex on and off afterwards promising he thought we may get back together but it was lies … i nearly lost my job to go on holiday last minute with him … and when we got there he put on his best charms and no sooner as the bedroom antics finished he told me to go sleep in the other room and it was strictly just sex …. would have been nice to make my decision as to whether i would consent to said sex with that knowledge rather than find out afterwards … but who am i to complain …
then … i had the worse relationship of my life with a feeding lying cheating abusive 20 years my elder bastard who took away nearly the whole of the person who i was who i am from me left me a quivering wreck …( this topic will receive its own post at some point as there is a lot of ground to cover within it that may open other people who are stuck in abusive relationships eyes on how and why they should escape) i was terrified i had a child by him and all he did was keep me in a box ,,, i was wrong but i started a secret relationship of sorts with a man online ,,, we talked all day every day we had our ups and down he wanted me to leave the abusive father to my child , i didn’t want her to have to live without her dad there all the time … he wanted his cake and to eat it , his excuse always being well excuse me but u live with someone don’t u …. he told me he only had sex with someone once … but i know about quite a few different women he was having … moments …. shall we call them with … but one day i stood up to my oppressor and even though i had put on 8 st and lost my way i left and started life again at my moms i got nothing he kept everything and the amount of abuse i got was horrible Women’s Aid helped me and Family Support Officers did too … i was lucky to have that support system around me … the guy that i had forged an online relationship with and i got together … we battled against distance differences threats and my ex along with his and we got together , i worked hard got the money together and got us a home … we got pregnant … and he didn’t want it , i was devastated … he had said so often that he would be over the moon if i fell pregnant with his child and yet he didn’t want it … told me if i take enough pain killers it should get rid of it … that didn’t work just made me ill and so i went to get an abortion although it was the last thing i wanted to do … they couldn’t find the baby it was etopic and so over the next few weeks i was really ill and lost the baby in hospital the fetus got stuck and had to be pulled out … he wasn’t there to see it happen but he did what he always does and made a light of it … i struggled to get over how my trust had been battered by him , and carried on … we then got married … it was beautiful and heartfelt and personal and tainted by his ex but hey what isn’t … but then as the relationship goes on with this image in my head i have of his that he would never do what other people have done to hurt me in the past he slowly started letting things slip through the cracks started with the baby and lying about smoking even though he said he wasn’t and then came him looking up women online naked from different movies that we watch and the bullshit excuses of he was just interested if they did any naked scenes in any films even though they had had nudity in the ones we had already watched , there was the blaming me for being upset because it is my fault that i am not comfortable in my own skin and that i am insecure , then there is the liking and adding of every and any beautiful sexy woman on Facebook and constantly liking there photos , even photos of people i know and have met that know him posting pictures of their breasts and there he is married to me but liking that picture … heart breaking isn’t the word i managed to lose the weight get to a size 6 and yes i have shit breasts and so he is looking every where else to see a pair worth looking at … sometimes my skin crawls when he touches me because i klnow he has been looking at all these other women during the day …. then it gets worse i find he has been watching porn , he states its because he was worried for his health states that he couldn’t get a hard on although through these times we had had sex not often but we had …. i told him how upset it made me he made his excuses and said he wouldn’t normally do it as if he had to watch porn to get off then that would mean that there is something seriously wrong with our relationship …. well a couple of months after this discussion i find out he is still watching porn and so now what is the excuse i wonder as he has had the all clear form the hospital … i think its because he doesn’t find me attractive anymore … i know he has been viewing it but i dont know when as he has deleted it from his history so while i am out working 13 hour days he is putting my child to bed and then wanking down stairs … when ever i try to talk to him about anything like this he blows up at me doesn’t speak to me for days and makes it all my fault … he is now also actively seeking out women on Facebook and sending flirty messages too …. i totally give up , the one person who i thought understood me and was going to be my hero lets me down time and time again tears away at any self esteem i have and leaves me feeling broken with no one to talk to as i get scalded for it as i have mental issues and anything i am feeling is all my fault , i don’t think he realizes how physically sick it makes me feel when he comes and starts trying to come on to me … he doesn’t do it very often but i can never help but think who is it u are actually thinking about because 9 times out of 10 i get rejected if i try to initiate … i have tried to spice it up mentioned watching porn together mentioned getting toys but he belittled me that much and tried to openly embarrass me in a shop really loudly about it that i felt like just killing myself there and then , right in the middle of the fucking Disney store … Urgh … i hate where i am right now and i don’t know where it is going , he has told me i am ruining the marriage and if i don’t get help he doesn’t know what he is going to do … i am enrolled with a mental health help organisation and i am just hoping they can help me …. because if i am honest right now … i just don’t want to feel a thing , sick of being the wife with no boobs that isn’t good enough to have a child with but is o.k to butter up so i know i can get sex if i haven’t already had some form of release that day. i wish i could just feel numb all the time because it would be a million times better than the heart break because of him i feel every single day … i treat him and try to make him feel loved which he claims i don’t make him feel but its hard to love someone when they make you feel so awful …

but this is my point
the first boyfriend , the MSN accidental boyfriend , my best friend , my dad , the 10 year age gap boyfriend , the safe older friend , the older friend that warned me of the sharks , my child’s father, my husband … all of these people entered my life with promise of being a safe place promise of being secure and warm and truth worthy and always being there no matter what with love …. and every single one of them did not deliver what they gave out in the taster sessions of the beginning of getting to know someone … so whose fault is this ?

is it A ) my fault and i build up these people in my mind as i am looking for esteem i am looking for some security to help me with my insecurities i am looking for some one to truly love me because i cant love myself be that as friend or a lover and so when someone comes along that seems like they may be offering that or make out that’s what they are offering i believe it , i grasp it i nuture it and i create an idea of that person and i truly believe that is the person that i know and love and am spending time with …. but then they are actually human and they fuck up over and over again and it hurt so much because i had so much belief in them and so i end up slowly generating hate towards them for letting me down and so then i feel even worse not only about myself but about my surroundings and my judgment of people and so i cut myself off more and more from the world and people who want to be there … ooooor
B) is it their fault as they have lead me to believe they are some one they are not but not only that but they are committing actions that to anyone out there would said is hurtful or wrong and yet they are blaming my mental health to wriggle out of the blame net so they can happily carry on what they are doing taking and taking and taking and giving nothing back …

this is the conundrum because i don’t have a clue …. but i think i want it to be my fault in a way just because then the only person i need to truly on to fix it is me ,,, if it is down to others , the one at the moment being my husband , then i am going to end up alone because he feels that he has done nothing wrong and so is not willing to compromise or change anything …

i feel so low … i wish something would change for the better

maybe i need to realize that all these hateful hurtful things that i now know my husband has been doing he has been doing it all along and when i was happy once and i did feel loved and good enough …. maybe its still the same now as he did care for me when he was doing all that horrible stuff and maybe the true problem is me knowing at all … but i cant regain ignorance … and to be honest why should i have to because if he really thought he wasn’t ding anything wrong then he wouldn’t have kept me in the dark about his antics for all this time…

and to top it off now he is a personal trainer and he has written a post i saw today that says that he doe look at women in the gym he cant help himself … makes me feel great … not …

next time the post wont be so long , i don’t even know if anyone is reading this but if you are i’m sorry if i have bored you to death ….

Q-M

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