This morning my boyfriend of 11 months finally left after a week of packing up and moving. It has been an ongoing, rocky, dark roller coaster for the last 11 months that I chose to hop on despite all warning signs. Breakups are never clean and smooth, even when both parties feel that they are better off without one and other. Two people giving up on a love that ran so deeply. How can you keep your composure? How do you not go from happy, to sad, to happy, to anger, to resentful, to spiteful, to sad again? In which lifetime will the pain of the current events lift up off my chest and allow me to function as a normal human-being. Fortunately, one thing I continue to tell myself is I may feel this way now but it is only temporary. Time heals, maybe not completely, but mostly.
He was controlling, he controlled everything I did from using my phone to leaving the house while he was at work. I feel betrayed, as if I do not know where to go from here because I had him tell me where to go for so long. I can remember the moment he said that we could not be together, I remember helping him start to pack and how it felt like a boulder had been lifted off my shoulder. I remember at that moment feeling very high as if I had been engulfed by a euphoric field of birds, rainbows and sunhine. All along it was my freedom I was feeling. However, nobody told me that the boulder on my shoulder that had held me down for so long would be removed from my shoulder just to be dropped on my chest. I can not breath, eat, sleep, or function. My thoughts remain dark and clouded by my anger, resentment and hostility. Not anger and resentment towards my ex partner, but anger and resentment towards myself. My thoughts drift to a hateful numbness. How could I have let someone have so much control of my life and well-being? How could I let myself live like this? And more importantly, why after all he has done do I still love him? I should despise him, I should be happy he is gone.
Despite being a well educated and successful woman, my only response to myself is that I must still have some figuring out to do as a person. Therefore, for however long it takes I will be writing in my journal/blog anonymously to help others as well as encourage myself to find out whom I truly am. As quoted by Deborah Day “Nourishing yourself in a way that helps you blossom in the direction you want to go is attainable, and you are worth the effort.”