From the heart

If somone asked me what is the matter? Are you happy? How would I answer.

The truth be told. I’m not entirely sure  I smile, I laugh but does my smileand laughter come from my heart? I know that everyday recently I feel empty. I feel something is missing from my life.

I enjoy my work, yes it is definately challenging but it has taken me years to confidently say that not only do I know how to do my job I am bloody good at it. Sure I get called out when making decisions everyone does not agree with, I am often told I make things too difficult for myself that I create more work but, this I think is what defines me. I will go the extra step not to score points but simply because that is what gives me the sense of accomplishment. I do feel alot at work at present (and if I am honest many times before) that my efforts are not appreciated. I fee, the elder boss appreciates my work and values my input but, his subordinate   will quite often bring to light any mistakes he thinks I have made.

To be fair to him, he does not go out of his way to make my work life difficult but, nor does he ever seem to appreciate my efforts. Now you may argue that why do I need anyones recognision but, I unfortunatelt do need the odd pat on my shoulder. I also feel that he takes over my job role at times. Where we work our roles are clearly defined but, also help one another if need be…but, again when I am present I would appreciate that he hand the Client over to me by introducing my job role. Does he do that..Hell no..I am made to feel no better than a glorified receptionist.

Why not leave I hear you shout. Loyalty that is why I owe alot to them. Family values trumps monetory values or so I thought .


I have always placed everyone elses feelings before my own. I have accepted my life for what it is witbout fighting for what my heart desires.

45 and stii single. It’s sad and also embarrasing. Never been married or even in a relationship. I have seen siblings get married and have children….why I’m still single..

I feel tears have luteraaly dried up. I am also tired of feeling like this…I know I know you’re thinking why the heck can’t she find her own guy? I’ts complicated …having said that no guy has ever approached me. I must be butt ugly or sometbing.


I read alot…looking for sometning to fill the void, to experience what love is….you guys are gonna think this is really sad…it’s not what it is, is my reality which I handle quite well. I engage in society always with a smile very few have seen my tears. I am also very grateful to the lord for all I have but being human you can’t but wish for more.


I have wrote this straight from work…haven’t even stashed my handbag away. I write best when I write from the heart which is exactly where this came from.


Signing  off now  thanks for listening.

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