“Imagine waking up to a world you feel like you don’t belong in”
Thats how i feel everyday. I always questioned my existence. I can never fit in and be what people like to be called “normal”. I figured that all the bad things i experienced throughout my life was just bad karma. I always downplayed my problems because their are people who are going through worst and seem to continue life. But i can’t make my problems and experiences seem less than anymore. Im just as important whether its big or small.
I finally convinced myself that maybe I’m here for a reason. Maybe i have some greater purpose in the world to achieve. Otherwise why am i here? Since i been through so much emotional trauma throughout my life maybe i can use my personal experiences and help others. Maybe thats what I’m here to do. Help others on their path. Help others with their traumatic experiences. Ive always had to learn to deal with them on my own. I always had to learn to be strong when i would fall. But even when i think i got it figured it out. I still have so many unanswered questions about why I’m here.
I can’t seem to connect to anyone. I really don’t have a relationship with my mother and i feel like that is suppose to be one of the most fundamental relationships in a person life. I sometimes envy people who are close with their parents. They can tell them anything and at the same time have the closest person to you not judge you for your decisions or who you are. I never had that with my parents. I honestly feel like my mom doesn’t like me at all. We barely talk. Most times she never has anything nice to say about me anymore. Its like we are complete strangers. Being myself around her wouldn’t even be good enough. Im always being judged. So really what is my purpose here sometimes?
If someone was to ask me…who am i ? I could gladly tell them. But what if I’m not the person i defined myself to be? What if I’m not really who i think i am? This whole world is full of labels and we as humans constantly label who we are so we can continue to live off our identities. Its like we need to have meaning and control of everything otherwise we are lost. What if most of my identity is built from other people perception of me? What if in reality, we are not meant to be defined at all. We just are. What if i took away my experiences, my labels, my name, my memories, my thoughts. Then i would be nothing. No one. Maybe thats what i am. A soul having an human experience.
Im not scared of death. Im not scared about how i will die. I honestly believe that our bodies die but our soul is eternal and lives on forever. We aren’t really dying. Physically yes. But we never die. Are soul is permanent just not in this life anymore. I believe that I’ve had past lives. I believe that we are meant to fulfill our life purpose in this lifetime or the next. But i can’t help but think why i feel separated from everyone that I’ve come across.
Maybe I’ve learned to isolate myself from the world because it seems like nothing good could ever come out of it. I know their is good people in their world. I know everyone isn’t the same. But its just withdrawing myself from everyone seems ‘safe’. I don’t have to disappointed , i don’t have to cry, i don’t have to encounter how cold they are. It does take a lot courage to continuously and openly love people when you are giving them the choice to either hurt you or openly love you back.
Im vulnerable and I’m sensitive and I’m emotional. I always been taught to never show that side of me. I believe most people were taught that and they never show their vulnerability because world can be cold and so can the people in it. But i don’t see the point anymore in trying. I don’t see the point in trying to be ok with who i am or my vulnerability when i constantly meet people who tell me that its wrong. They fear what they don’t know. They fear that they will get hurt. People do everything in fear.
So why do i feel like i don’t belong here? Why do i feel like I’m constantly looking for a way in to be like others? Maybe how i am is either a curse or blessing. But i don’t plan on leaving this world anytime soon.