After meeting Dylan at the beach over summer break, we started texting. I don’t know why I thought things would end up differently than they did, but I’m glad it ended up like this. Over a few months, I got to know him and started liking him. He asked me out this past Saturday, and I agreed. Sunday we went on a “date”. I sneaked out after dark to meet him at the little church down my road. It was a good night, even if I can admit I lost something I can never get back, and I acted like someone else, not who I thought I was. Monday night, I had to beg him to talk to me. First thing he said was “I can’t date you”. I automatically started crying. Why would he change his mind so soon? Part of me wonders if it was the sex, but I just can’t ask him straight up. I asked him why we can’t date, and he said he needs to focus on his college classes and getting into the navy. He said we could still be friends and hang out though. Tuesday night, he completely ignored me, wouldn’t say a single word. Finally, I gave up and told him if he wants space I’ll give it to him, and also that I still love him and I’ll wait for him to be ready.
I don’t know why I bothered falling in love, but thinking about it today, I realize he actually helped me by saying he has other things he needs to focus on first. I had let go of everything that defined me – church, good behavior, school – just to be with him. Just to have something I’d never had before. Now I realize that even though I fell in love with him, I can’t just get rid of all that I am, can’t just leave everything behind and become a crazy lovesick puppy that doesn’t do anything else. My heart is still broken, but at least he’s opened my eyes to reality. I’m just as not ready as he is for a relationship right now, so it really is best for us to wait I suppose.
On top of all this, now that I know who I am for sure, I have to try to make friends that won’t lead me to abandon myself. I’ve had very very few friends in my lifetime, most of them definitely not the best choice, and I realize that I honestly don’t know how to be social, how to have friends. Texting and facebook doesn’t count, because who a person is electronically is not who they really are. People do things online that they wouldn’t dream of doing before internet and cell phones were an issue.
Really I just needed to rant for a little bit, so thank y’all for reading my journal.