Life

The  reality of how crappy life is, is somthing that hits you a little at a time. As you grow up you begin to find out that people all suck at some time in your relationship they will let you down. That is normal. It is human nature to mess up and hurt others. Some do it intentionally and some do it unintentionally, but the result is still the same. Mother Teresa said it well:

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may not be good enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”

 

No one is perfect or knows it all, but it seems like Mother Teresa had it pretty well figured out. She pretty much sumed up the Bible.

 

As wise as her words are, as full of wisdom she was; I don’t feel like listening tonight. I don’t feel like being wise or loving my enemies at all. I feel like cursing. I feel like acting unchristian. I feel like hurting them like they hurt me. I feel like being a bad example for my two children. I am a grown adult and tonight I feel like acting a two-year old. So instead of acting that way, I am going to write my feelings here. Maybe that will help me feel better and not act poorly. So here is my rant for the night:

There are many types of people in the world, but for this topic, I will narrow it down to three types:  people who take it (abuse, insults, criticism, etc.), people who don’t take it at all, and the people who fall somewhere in between. What I mean by people who don’t take it, is the people who will stand up for themselves at almost any cost. I am the taker. I have been made to be my whole life. I am learning to stick up for myself, but it is a long process and struggle between keeping my mouth shut, confronting, acting like Jesus would in the situations, and acting however I feel.

When takers get pushed to the edge and reach the end of the very long rope, it isn’t pretty. I feel within inches of my sanity. I do NOT mean that I would hurt myself or anyone else (just for the record). I just mean that there is only so much a person can take before the walls go completely up, before there is no more to give, before everyone gets emotionally shut out. Living a life of mental abuse, I have become accustomed to living in my ways: denial, La-la land, defense zones, etc. Emotional distance has been the only way to survive. It isn’t getting me anywhere to be that way, but when you constantly live in an environment that is abusive and controlling it is a way of life. Verbal abuse is hard to prove, and most of the time the person just gets blamed for being sensitive. IF I had bruises on my skin like the ones on my heart, then maybe someone could see. Maybe then people would understand what kind of world I live in. Then the secrets wouldn’t be hidden anymore. Then everyone would know. Then all the pretty masks that have been forced on my face to act like everything is ok could be destroyed.

but that isn’t my reality.

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