Him.

Literally been crying all day. I can’t stop crying.  Worst day ever.

How do two people who fell in love in two weeks be so distant after 4 years??

I lost him. I lost me. I lost us.

honestly ‘we’ should be the last of my worries but I rather talk about us than my personal issues with myself at the moment.

Everyday i see how cold he is towards me.  Some days you would of thought he really hated me. Everything that comes out my mouth annoys him and pisses him off. I find myself trying to say the ‘correct’ things in order for him to be less irritated with me. But it never works. I wonder what i say wrong? What I’m doing wrong? But i can’t seem to figure it out. Every little thing sets him off. I wonder am i to blame? or did we just grow out of love with one another? I mean… Am i really that horrible to put up with these days?

When i think about us, i say wow, that use to be my best friend. I use to be his. Now it seems like we are enemies and it feels like a constant competition to see who can hurt the other person more. I don’t know what to do… I’ve tried everything in matter of 5 years and it hasn’t worked. My only option is to let him go. Let him have his space like he asks. i fear that he will be happy again. He’s always happy when something doesn’t include me or he isn’t talking to me. I see how his family and friends make him smile and laugh and have good time and i get jealous because he doesn’t have that with me. He can’t have that with me. He use to a long time ago.  Now its like talking to someone you know can’t stand you. Some days they like you. Most days they are sick of you. and its hurts me tremendously.

When we fight i honestly just want to talk to him and settle this out like grown adults without any aggression or anger but he can’t do that at all. I feel like I’m fighting for someone who is already gone. Then he doesn’t call or text me for a day or more depending on how he feels. I hate that. Why does it have to be like that? Why can’t we just settle this out like right now? Why is he more happier away from me then he is with me??  But i always call him. I never wait anymore. I can’t wait. We are so distant from each other waiting will make things worse. I have to reach out to him. But he is so mean to me. So mean. I don’t understand why? I feel like I’ve done something so horrible to him and in return he just treats me the way he wants when he wants.  When i cry , it doesn’t bother him at all. He just gets more annoyed and more annoyed and he like why are you crying? and i just wan too say too him why do you act like you hate so much when you say you don’t?? Because thats exactly how he treats me.

When he likes me. When we are good. He is so nice. He says he loves me. and he says the sweetest things. but in the back of my mind i know it won’t last long.  I feel like ‘what we were’ is dead.  We use to be so in love, We talk all night, see each other when we had the chance, he would hold me tight because he never wanted to let go. We use to love and have so many intimate moments. Now its like we are strangers. I can barely get his time. Now that we are older he is always  busy. Never has time to do this or that. But he makes time for the things he wants but not for me. He can’t talk because he too tired, or he has work , or he is busy tomorrow. He always has to do something and i have to work on ‘his’ time.

I wanted to talk on the phone and he wanted to get off the phone.  It was embarrassing forcing someone to stay on the phone late at night to talk to me when we was younger it was never a problem then but now its never possible.  I honestly feel like he hates me. He no longer interested in me and out of love with me. Ive done all i could do.

He tells me that he pissed off that i have insecurities. Hearing that hurt so much because I’m human and i have my problems and I’m suffering from depression right now.  He doesn’t care about what i tell him or how i feel.

He barely talks to me. He is so quiet on the phone. Especially when we need to talk about things tells me that he wishes i was simple. That i could ignore things. and move on.  I just feel like he punishing me.  Why is it a crime for loving someone more than i love myself ? I never felt more alone then i do now. I always felt alone  in our relationship. He so distant and i don’t know what went wrong?  I feel like i should just give him what he wants and not chase him so he wont feel miserable when he talks or hangs around me.  Its terrible feeling to know that i can annoy and piss off someone so much for barely nothing or for huge things. Nothing i do is right in his eyes.

The sad part is all i can do is find it in my heart to let him be this way. Because i love him.  But this isn’t love is it? I cried so much tears over one person that I’ve dated in my life and he doesn’t give a damn at all.  / I know he doesn’t love me like i love him.  I try to give him outlet to tell me things or talk to me. He still doesn’t.

Why do i have to get him upset? , Why do i have to piss him off so much? I don’t try too. I really don’t. I just want ‘us’ again.  But he is so different. I don’t see the person i met or fell in love with. Its like he totally a different guy. I keep hoping that the guy i fell in love with is somewhere in there.

I loved him when he had nothing. I loved him thru everything. But this is killing me.

I have to move on and leave him alone. I have too…

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