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Always suspicious…

I see him making an effort…struggling to be a part of this life and fighting the urge to bicker and have an excuse to leave again. He is trying so hard and loves us so much…this morning my son woke up and started talking to him in the dark and gave him a hug. I love my family…I love this man and my children and I wish that I could trust it. I hate that I know I will never trust him with a phone or the internet but idk how to tell him that. When he is here, he is a different person. I know this.  But when he gets antsy and wants to leave all of that is out there waiting for him…I have dreams of waking up and finding him online or finding him looking at certain things. I hate this…I hate feeling insecure and I hate that I am constantly reminded of the things he says when he is coming down or angry. Half the time I know he doesn’t remember what he says when he comes back or even what he does when he is gone. He tries to make me angry or hurt me so that I will leave him cuz he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore but because I know that’s his motive it only makes me love him more. I hate feeling insecure and jealous and suspicious and unsure of when he will leave. I want a forever…for my heart to be safe…but I don’t know if it ever will be with him. I wish I could tell him that without crushing him…he hasn’t tried this before…I appreciate that so much but then I am so scared of loving him…

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