Christmas without my mother

Today I went “additional christmas shopping” (when you’ve got all the presents and yet you want to buy additional small things that nobody needs) with my aunt.

Sometimes when we passed by a house and I caught a glimpse of the residents, I wondered what they are going through, who they miss this christmas, what kind of lives they lead.


The thing is, even if you are closer to your father, the loss of your mother leaves you kind of shattered. Your heart and your soul, both are shattered. It doesn’t matter who you ask, whether it’s Prince Harry, your 80 yo neighbour, a woman in China or me, the loss of your mother, especially an unexpected loss, is the worst. Especially on Christmas. Or her birthday. Or your own birthday.


Even though my mother was my everthing, we had a love-hate-relationship in the later years due to her “problems”. There is only so much one can take as a child, teenager, young adult. There’s only a certain amount of responsibility you can take for your mother and your sister who’s 10 years younger. I tried to live my life as good as possible but let’s be honest, I didn’t. I wasted opportunities in order to stay at home and protect my sister and my mother.


And yet, my mother who I despised so many times because of all the things she did and said and (unintentionally) made me do, was snatched away… I wish she was killed in an accident but she was killed by a piece of reasoning… she commited suicide. She left a note: “I’m going to fix it.”


She did in some kind of way.  I’m torn. I’m devastated yet relieved because my own “suffering” came to an end and I was able to live MY life. For myself. For the first time.

This ambivalence is killing me at times and I try not to think about it.

I can’t tell what is worse: Remembering her the way she was before she decided to end her live or the way she was when I was a child. Both is painful. Most of all because her death wasn’t “necessary”.


Do I miss her? Yes, I miss her old self. Sometimes I ask myself “Would she like this and that? I bet she would love this more than that. She would’ve so much fun with my new cat.” and silly things like that. It makes me feel good for a second.


Most people don’t understand that feeling. I’m glad they don’t because it would mean they lost their mothers as well. It makes it harder for me to interact with people on terms of christmas invitations and things like that. “Sorry, I’m depressed over the holidays” – it doesn’t sound appropriate, does it? They don’t understand the impact, they don’t understand the pain, and I can’t blame them. All I ask for is understanding. Seriously, cut me some slack. I’m not having any of your christmas and new year’s eve parties, please, leave me alone. It’s the only time of the year I mourn my mother’s death. The only time of the year I’m honest about my feelings regarding that matter.

The rest of the year, I’m strong (or I simply push it to the back of my mind). Maybe I’m stronger than the year before. Will I recover? I honestly don’t know. Losing your mother is losing a part of your heart, your childhood, the fuzzy feeling you get inside when she hugs you for what feels like an eternity and you’re in a cocoon of motherly love.

I try to be a more christmas-y person. I try to be less whiny this year. I know I’m going to drink way more.. oh well… Baby steps.


However, I’m going to be okay. As always. Bouncebackability. I’m a happy person. I struggle sometimes, we all do, but most of the time I’m happy.


Merry christmas!

PS: If you find a typo, you can keep it. (I don’t want to proof-read that one.)

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