What Am I Supposed To Do?

I’m so lost right now.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.  If you were to look through my entries, you’d see how broken up I was over my breakup in October.  I wrote a lot during that month.  Then on Halloween we had a night together.  It was wonderful, and we had a great time.  Things became slightly less awkward between us, and a few weeks later I took her out for an expensive dinner date.  We went out drinking afterwards, then to her friend’s party, then back to my place.  We ended up having one of the hottest nights we’ve ever had.  Think 50 Shades of Grey hot.  It was awesome.  After that, we got closer again.  A few days later and she was texting me asking me to come over.  He aunt was in the hospital and she was having a tough time with it.  I came over and spent some time with her, and a few minutes after I left she texted me and told me her aunt had just passed.  She was a mess.  I came back over and spent the night with her.  From that point on, we spent every night together except for maybe 2 or 3 days.  That was the week before Thanksgiving and now it’s 3 days until Christmas.  We’ve had a great month and a half.

She still won’t go back out with me, but her mind changes daily about what she wants.  She’s still talking to the guy she dumped me for in Illinois, though the closer we get, the less they talk, and the less they talk, the crazier and more possessive and verbally abusive he gets.  They haven’t talked at all for 2 weeks until last weekend he started blowing up her phone again.  She still hasn’t let the idea of seeing him go, though she doesn’t know what to expect if she goes to see him.  She’s still planning it just to see what happens.

She told me last week that even if she doesn’t end up attempting a relationship with him, that she doesn’t want to get back with me until she figures herself out.  She wants to stay friends and stay single and work on herself.  In my experience, a girl who says she’d rather stay single than date you, just means she doesn’t want to date you.  There is no “I need to work on myself”.  Then last week she was complaining about the stress of her living situation.  She lives with her mom and her daughter, her grandparents are in town for 4 months, and her brother is in town for a couple of weeks.  It’s a 3 bedroom house with 6 people and 4 beds.  I half jokingly offered for her to move in with me when I move to my new apartment next month.  She surprised me and said it sounds like a nice idea and she’d actually consider it.  Then she went apartment hunting with me a few days later.

Since then she’s told me that she’s “not moving in with me”, she “doesn’t know if she’ll move in with me”, “probably not” will turn into “I honestly don’t know”, and all of it still hinges on what happens when she sees the other guy next week for the first time in 5 years.

The other guy had messaged me a few weeks back and talked a bunch of crap to me about her, and when I told her about it, he denied it, and she accused me of snooping on her iPad to find out what I had found out from him.  I’ve always trusted her and believed everything she’s ever told me.  But it put the idea in my head to find out for myself what was going on that I didn’t know about.  So after that fiasco, I did snoop for the first time and saw that some of what she was telling me was true, and some was not.

She wasn’t really talking to him, but when she was, it still involved her being sure about wanting to see him.  She still talks to him about wanting to work something out between them, though she told me that’s not the case.  There was also a friend of hers that was always hitting on her when we first started dating that I told her she needed to set straight if she was going to stay friends with him.  She cut him off, and said she hasn’t talked to him since.  I found out that a month before we broke up, they had started talking again, and that one night while I was babysitting for her so she could have a girls night, she messaged him late at night and asked him to meet her at the bar.  There was also another guy that recently started messaging her again who had been messaging her when we first met.  They hadn’t talked since, but the last message she had sent him a year ago was “I met someone, but he’s pretty lame, so I’ll probably hit you up in a couple of weeks.”  Granted she never did, and she ignored any messages he sent her until now, but it was still a kick in the gut to hear her tell other people she thinks I’m lame and won’t be staying with me.

I still love her despite everything that’s happened, because throughout our relationship, all the good times and good memories we’ve had trump any of the bad times.  I would love to move in with her next month if things don’t work out with the other guy, and while originally I thought that when she leaves, we’d be saying goodbye for good, the things she’s told me over the past few weeks have given me hope that we can end up together again when she gets back, and that maybe nothing would happen with her and the other guy.  Now that he’s trying so hard again, I feel like I’m losing her to him again, and that my hope of us picking up where we left off is fading away.  The hope that she gave me of us moving in together next month was exciting, but I feel like if I hold off another few weeks for her to make her decision, I could end up getting screwed with my living situation.  I also worry that if I get my hopes up that I’m just going to get hurt all over again when she comes back and tells me that she’s decided to go with the crazy, abusive other guy instead of me.  I’ve been trying to wrap my head around just going back to saying goodbye to her the day she leaves, and finding my own one bedroom, and that’s the end of it.  But I’d be crushed if I do that and somehow she comes back and tells me that I’m her choice and now I’ve already found an apartment that’s far from her and can’t move in with her.

I’m so torn.  Do I pray that she doesn’t end up with the other guy and comes back to me?  Do I hold of on getting an apartment until she gets back to see what she says when no matter what her decision, the odds of her wanting to move in with me are not in my favor?  Does she even really care about me or is she just a master at manipulation and all of this has been her playing me for the past year?  Am I wasting more of my time with her?  I know I’ll have my answer in 11 days, but it’s going to be the hardest 11 days to make it through.  I’ll be wondering what she’s doing.  Is she with him?  Is she sleeping with him?  Are they making their plans to be together, while I’m just on the outside looking in, thinking we had something special when it was all one sided?  Should I just cut her off and move on with my life, hoping to meet someone who makes me as happy as she once did sooner rather than later?  Do I just focus on work and school and forget about her, or do I keep her in my life, and move her in with me, and give her the benefit of the doubt that she won’t do this to me again a year from now?

I love her so much, but the more I think about it, the more it feels like she never cared about me, and that I was just convenient for her and nicer to her than the other guys she dated.  The more I think about it, the more I feel if she moved in with me, it’s still temporary.  I used to think she was the one I’d be with forever.  Now I feel like if she got back with me, it’s only till she moved on to someone else again and we’d be right back in the same place with someone new, or even with this same other guy again a year from now.  I’m the opposite of the guy she’s chasing after.  He’s a typical asshole, controlling, verbally abusive, condescending, lying, and cheating.  I’m loyal, honest, voice my opinions in a calm and mature manner, share my feelings openly, spoil her, treat her like royalty, and am a great male role model for her daughter.  I’m “lame”.  He’s exciting.  She literally told me she thinks he’ll change when they’re together.  Why so many women want to “tame” the bad boy is beyond me.  I was 10 times worse than him in my youth.  I am the ultimate tamed bad boy.  I learned from my mistakes and grew from them.  She is the first woman who has ever made me completely ready to settle down.  She tamed me.  But she doesn’t realize how I was before I met her.  Or it doesn’t matter, because I didn’t take any effort on her part.  I was just there for her from the beginning.

I worry now about who she’s talking to.  What she’d be doing when I’m not around.  I’m working on my commercial pilot license.  What would she be doing when I’m out of town on business for a night?  When I’m at work, or at school?  When she’s out at lady’s night and I’m with her daughter.  I worry that since we broke up, even though she said it was just because of this one guy, that there are now two other guys she started talking to recently.  I want so badly to forget everything negative that’s happened between us and just go back to the happy relationship we once had.  The longer this goes on, the more I feel like it’ll never be back to that.  That even though I trusted that this one guy is the cause of all that, that all these other guys, and everything else that’s happened since we broke up is breaking even that trust.  I feel like she let me stay around because I’m good to her and make her feel good, but she still doesn’t have any feelings for me and that I’m just wasting my time, money, and emotions on someone who doesn’t really care about me and wouldn’t dwell on me even for a moment if we never spoke again.  She’d move on as if I were nothing.  It’s a shitty feeling to feel like the person you love the most in life, looks at you like you’re nothing.  Just another “lame” ex to add to the list.  Why can’t things just be as easy as they were 6 months ago?  Going on vacations, road trips, talking about the future, about living together, about what our lives would be like together.  Knowing we’re happy and trusting each other.  Why do such good things have to come to an end?  And why can’t my decision to either wait for her, or leave her, just be cut and dry?

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