Heartborken

Dear journal

I feel like im drowning. I keep fighting my way trying to reach the surface but i keep getting shoved back down. 

I confronted brandon and how i know hes still lying to me. Hes still doing whatever it is he wants and doesnt care about how itll effect me or how i feel. Anytime i try to talk to him i get pushed back and told its not convenient for him. So whats the point of talking then?? Whats the point of trying to see if there is something here worth saving?? 

I know that despite everything i still love him and still care a great deal about him but its not enough. I cant keep trying when he so clearly isnt. He doesnt do anything to make it better….just continues to do what hes doing. How am i supposed to try to trust someone if they wont do anything to earn my trust back?? Ive done everything i possibly can to make sure he knows he can trust me but he does nothing to change my mind. Just continues to hide behind his phone with all of his girls on it and lets me just wait over to the side. I feel like an after thought and i shouldnt.

He told me i deserve better. Well if thats the case then why dont you be better?? Why dont you try at like 60% of the time?? Why dont you do something to show me youre worth me trying for?? But alas..he wont do any of those things. He will just do whatever is good and convenient for him. 

I dont know how kuch longer i can continue to go through this. I feel so small and insignificant all the time. I feel like if i were to just disappear that it would take years before anyone took notice. And when they finally did it would only be as an after thought. No one would care if i disappeared. Everyone would just continue on. What am i still fighting for then?? Is there even a point?? 

Im so clearly depressed. My therapist says im doing surprisingly well but i dont feel it. I feel like every breath is hard to take. Every step is agony. I dont sleep anymore without crying first. I dont eat anything without knowing how fat i am. All of this because him. He tore me apart when he started talking with other people. He made sure that when he did what he did i was blissfully happy. I know deep down that hes proud of himself for defeating me like this. 

I just want to feel like i matter again. Like the world isnt ending. Like someone actually cares about me…..

4 thoughts on “Heartborken”

  1. My heart goes out to you, but you know from you own words the change needs to come from you for you. Leaving him out of the equation what do you want? I understand that drowning feeling, have been there. I am going to suggest a book to you that a friend gave to me 18 years ago when I was in a similar situation, it was amazing how well the things I was reading resonated with me. It is not a miracle cure, but a tool to help you think, feel and take action for you and you alone. It’s called The Value in the Valley by Iyanla Vanzant

  2. My heart goes out to you, but you know from you own words the change needs to come from you for you. Leaving him out of the equation what do you want? I understand that drowning feeling, have been there. I am going to suggest a book to you that a friend gave to me 18 years ago when I was in a similar situation, it was amazing how well the things I was reading resonated with me. It is not a miracle cure, but a tool to help you think, feel and take action for you and you alone.

  3. Don’t discount your friends and family. You have people around you that love you and care for you. If Brandon is treating you this badly, than maybe its time for you to realize that you’re worth more. That you deserve better than someone who can’t try. And that you need to find that confidence and self worth inside yourself and find your own happiness.

  4. Hey dear !! I relate to you very well.. I was feeling just like u exactly a year ago.. Everything else besides him meant nothing for me …
    You must find strength inside you !! You must realize that you are the first in every kind of relationships..you mean more than others…firstly u must be well and then others !!
    No one deserves u until he is mad of having you. And if he doesnt u must let him go.. I know it’s hard to do, hard to even think….but thats the best way dear.. Write to me if u need more inspiration )) mail: nozadzemariam97@gmail.com
    I want this night u to sleep without crying )) It’s new year u must think that the best year is in front of u …leave all negatives in past and step forward to a better, happier life

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