I feel like im drowning. I keep fighting my way trying to reach the surface but i keep getting shoved back down.
I confronted brandon and how i know hes still lying to me. Hes still doing whatever it is he wants and doesnt care about how itll effect me or how i feel. Anytime i try to talk to him i get pushed back and told its not convenient for him. So whats the point of talking then?? Whats the point of trying to see if there is something here worth saving??
I know that despite everything i still love him and still care a great deal about him but its not enough. I cant keep trying when he so clearly isnt. He doesnt do anything to make it better….just continues to do what hes doing. How am i supposed to try to trust someone if they wont do anything to earn my trust back?? Ive done everything i possibly can to make sure he knows he can trust me but he does nothing to change my mind. Just continues to hide behind his phone with all of his girls on it and lets me just wait over to the side. I feel like an after thought and i shouldnt.
He told me i deserve better. Well if thats the case then why dont you be better?? Why dont you try at like 60% of the time?? Why dont you do something to show me youre worth me trying for?? But alas..he wont do any of those things. He will just do whatever is good and convenient for him.
I dont know how kuch longer i can continue to go through this. I feel so small and insignificant all the time. I feel like if i were to just disappear that it would take years before anyone took notice. And when they finally did it would only be as an after thought. No one would care if i disappeared. Everyone would just continue on. What am i still fighting for then?? Is there even a point??
Im so clearly depressed. My therapist says im doing surprisingly well but i dont feel it. I feel like every breath is hard to take. Every step is agony. I dont sleep anymore without crying first. I dont eat anything without knowing how fat i am. All of this because him. He tore me apart when he started talking with other people. He made sure that when he did what he did i was blissfully happy. I know deep down that hes proud of himself for defeating me like this.
I just want to feel like i matter again. Like the world isnt ending. Like someone actually cares about me…..