Relapsing…

TRIGGER WARNING: BULIMIA. PLEASE DON’T READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU MIGHT BE INFLUENCED. PLEASE.

I had a relapse just now. I forced myself to vomit.

I just started a very calorie-strict diet and it’s been so hard. Today I threw all of my progress away and went to Burger King for lunch. I didn’t plan on making myself sick…my only intention was to eat a tasty, but unhealthy meal. So I get my food in the parking lot of my workplace, feeling ok and listening to pop music and out of nowhere I think of Glenn and the ugly skank he left me for. I started feeling angry…Very angry. I started thinking of all my exes and how they moved on so quickly…And I started thinking about how one of biggest wishes is to hurt all of them, preferably by getting a body that would make them all cry.

So I put down my second burger, drank my coke until I felt I would be sick regardless. looked around, waved at my manager as he was going to his car, waited til he drove off. Then I took my bag, threw the rest of my food into it and made myself puke all over the top of it. I am ashamed. but in all honesty I’m ashamed of losing control and eating like a gluttonous hog in the first place! I want to have the perfect pixie body…I want to be 115 lb. of light, airy skin and bone that any man can easily pick up and twirl around. I want to wear itty-bitty clothes instead of having blubber spill out over the top of my jeans.

I’m disgusting. I’m disgusting as I am and I am disgusting for tearing myself up to make myself into something else.

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