Step by Step
Monday, Jan. 11, 2016
“The last three years of my drinking, I drank on my job. The amount of will power exercised to control my drinking during working hours, diverted into a constructive channel, would have made me President, and the thing that made the will power possible was the knowledge that as soon as my day was finished I could drink myself into oblivion. Inside, though, I was scared to death, for I knew that the time was coming (and it couldn’t be too remote) when I would be unable to hold that job. Maybe I wouldn’t be able to hold any job, or maybe (and this was my greatest fear) I wouldn’t care whether I had a job or not. I knew it didn’t make any difference where I started, the inevitable end would be skid row. The only reality I was able to face had been forced upon me by its very repetition – I had to drink; and I didn’t know there was anything in the world that could be done about it.” – Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition, 1976, “They Lost Nearly All,” Ch 12 (“Freedom From Bondage”), p 548.
Today, remembering when I drank on the job, then fear that I would be “caught” and lose it and, ultimately, not caring if I did. And I remember the thought that got me through those long working days – I could go home and drink myself into literal oblivion. And I could do it all over the next day. I need to remember so I don’t forget the helpless, hopeless and pathetic creature I had become and that my early time in the program required some tough, tough work not only to sober up but also to care again. Today, the power of a drink after work holds no power anymore, only disdain and disgust that it will plunge me back into that yesterday if I allow it. Today, I won’t allow it. The harsh and painful memories of my yesterday serve me well today not to go back there. And our common journey continues. Step by step. – Chris M., 2016