I’m sorry at how long this is, but I don’t want to keep bothering my friends with this, and have no where else to really pour out my feelings to.
I think its a broken heart, but can it be broken after only a week? I’m 26, and not some young naive kid. I know that a week isn’t enough time for have any kind of real feelings, usually its only infacuation. But I can’t help it, this is a feeling I’ve never felt before. Its only been a week, but I can’t help feeling as if it was that magical “spark” that so many people have talked about having. I’ll refer to him as “R” henseforth.
When R and I met, I had already gone on a few dates with another guy, but was turned off more and more every date we had gone on. Then I went to a friend’s graduation part, and fate had left the only empty chair next to me for when R arrived. We teased each other a bit during dinner, but I just thought of it as something friendly. Then when we all went out to a club later that night the attaction grew immensely. At one point while sitting he put his arm around me and started stroking my shoulder. We excused ourselves to a more quiet area and talked until everyone decided to leave.
When we arrived back at our friend’s place, we set up a place for him to crash. I’d stay in the bed with her, while he was on the floor next to our bed. As we had exchanged numbers earlier he texted me asking me to join him on the floor. I jokingly asked him why, and he said “because itd be nice to fall asleep next to you. That is literally, start to finish, my whole reasoning.” I declined as I wasn’t sure if my friend was interested in him or not, and thought it would be rude if she awoke to us cuddling on her floor while she slept.
At some point we all woke up, with my friend discovering she somehow shed her clothes in the middle of the night, and decided to not bother putting her pjs back on. I made the choice to then stay with R on the floor. We ended up kissing…a lot…and just rubbing our hands all over each other. Nothing inappropriate, as I still felt weird having my friend sleeping in a bed right next to us.
The next day we stuck in a few kisses, and ended up cuddled on a couch during a football game we were watching with our friend and her family. We feel asleep like that, prompting everyone to take pictures and remark on “how cute it was.”
I had to drive him back to his car when we were leaving to drive home, seeing as we all decided to carpool the previous night. After I helped him scrape ice off of his car, I went to hug him and he surprised me by kissing me again and again, and appologizing.
He was appologizing because he is in the military and is deploying for Turkey in two weeks. He was appologizing for the bad timing.
I knew in my brain that nothing would come from it, but I couldn’t help being torn up inside. He was leaving for Turkey for 15 months, then was stationed on the West coast. He said that he would visit the East coast from time to time, as his father still lived in the area.
Two days later I sent him a text telling him that I know its bad timing but that i really wanted to get together again before he left. We decided to meet that Friday night, with him offering to make the hour drive to my town. I declined and told him I would drive down to his place, as I moved back home with my parents and didn’t want it to be awkward.
Later that week we found out about the huge snow storm was happening, and he told me that if it was bad he didn’t want me to risk the drive. That he didn’t want me “to take any unnessessary risks” driving down.
When I arrived, we brought my things in, then settled in to watch a movie with his roommate. We cuddled againt he entire time, then when his roommates left to make a store run before the storm, we ended up getting extremely intimate until we moved into his room. It was so passion filled and amazing. Then when we tried to have sex, the condom killed it for him. He appologized, and later said that he knows I’m disappointed, but that just having me there with him was enough. We had private time a few more times that night, obviously unable to have sex, but he was so concerned about pleasing me that it was okay. And let me say he was good at it.
I tried to return the favor but he just couldn’t get to that point unless he did it himself. It was all okay however. We went to sleep holding each other throughout the night.
The next day was okay too, we hung out with his roommate for a while, watched another movie, went back into his room, then got interrupted by his roommate who wanted to drive around in the snow (no clue, but apparently they love to do that).
They wanted to take the little two seater car, so I told them to go without me to us some space, R had been spending a lot of his time on his phone on online chats for cars (as that is his passion and he liked giving people advice to help them get around during the storm.) I decided to lay in bed and watch a movie, and when they arrived back around two hours later, R went right back on his phone. He finally came back to his bed, and complained how he was so tired, and promptly passed out. Needless to say I was upset as it was our last night together, and I wanted to spend it similar to how we had the night before.
Later in the night I woke up, as I never sleep well, plus I had gone to bed upset. I must have woken him up because all of a sudden his arms were around me and pulling me into his chest and he just held me. We ended up kissing again and had our intimate time for a few hours. I teased him at one point on him not complimenting me, and he looked at em weird saying that he thought his actions were showing it. I didn’t respond
When we both woke up again later in the morning, it was weird
It was almost as if he couldn’t wait for me to leave. He asked if the roads were cleared in my area yet, however said for me to stay as long as I needed to. We went to the store, and we both bought some food to eat, without me realizing that he meant to cook for me.
I finally packed my things up when the awkwardness hit a peak. I packed up my car, and he came out to help me navigate my car out of the driveway thorough the snow. At one point I got stuck, and he offered to try and drive it out himself. I had tears beginning to form in my eyes, and Im not sure if he noticed or not. He kissed me goodbye again, and I made him promise to stay safe, and to keep in touch with me. He promised he would and smiled.
I cried the entire drive home, and for the rest of the day felt like I was going to throw up. I still feel like that today. Why? We’ve known each other a week. I’m not even sure that if he wasn’t leaving, if he would even want to be together, or if it was just that he didn’t want to be alone. That he just wanted a warm body next to him.
He did seem like he felt something for me. Everytime we sat together or cuddled he would reach out and hold my hand. I’ve had non relationships before, where the guy wasn’t looking for anything more than a hookup, and they’ve never treated me the way R has. I’m just so confused, and I want to just ask him straight out about how he feels, but I also don’t want to put any pressure on him since he’s leaving in a week to go to a dangerous area.
I’d love to be something like a penpal to him, just to try and keep his spirits up when he’s away. My friend and her mother even said to do that and see where it ends up, that they think it could develop into something more. They’ve known him for years and don’t think that he would just use me like that, that he’s a good guy.
I just wish I knew how to sort out my emotions on this. I feel pathetic, and know its stupid because we have literally known each other for a WEEK! I just can’t help feeling the way I do.