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Great Friday, just a sad late night…

     It’s 1 Am, and I am starting to notice that I mostly type my entries here around this time. I said the word ‘here’ because I have another book-journal that I write in everyday… cause that was my new years resolution. An entry for everyday of 2016. Maybe some think its weird to have more than 1 journal to use, but I think I simply find it easier to express myself when I write/type something down… more than talking to someone. I am very social actually, and have many amazing friends which I share a lot of things with… but I never fully expressed whats inside. What they know, is just the tip of the ice-burg. 

     I had a beautiful Friday, hanging with those friends at the paintball arena. Everyone was so fired up and excited, so you can never miss the powerful atmosphere. During the game, I fell down a hole, and thats when I realized that I have the choice to either stay in it safely till its all over, or go support my team mates. In a matter of seconds to catch myself, I throw my gun to the top, and grab both sides for support to get myself up. I was never the type to quit on my friends so easily… even in the silliest moments, like a paint ball fight. It wasn’t till I got home that I felt tired and needed to sleep… but then, sadness came for a visit. 

     Sadness came in the form of a text from an x. He was simply asking how I was and how the winter is going down here… So just like the last time, I read it then deleted it. It makes me sad to see him try and fix something that can’t be fixed. Many might say that I am not giving him a chance… but then again, this is just a journal, and not the whole story about my x. If I were to right about him, I would have made a book in which I write about how we met, fell in love, got into a long distant relationship after a year of being together, what happened during this time, and how he pushed me away… to want to make things right again. They can never be right… 

     Part of me is sad because I didn’t text him back to tell him to go away… cause I believe I would have felt better if I did that. The other part is sad because he is still holding on (after pushing me) and I let go a long time ago. Was grabbing to tight till my hands were bleeding… so I had to be selfish and care of my own safety. He just made it easier by pushing me… and I let go. Just like that… I let go. 

     I don’t want to say that because of him I have a heart of stone… 

     I don’t want to say that because of him I never dream to get married…

     I don’t want to say that because of him I will never fall in love with another man…

     But because of him, I had to let go… for me. 

     This is me signing out at 1:25 Am… Thanks for reading.

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