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Die , die you into me !!! My thoughts are deeper than any chasm

Don’t know from where to start :(( i feel extremely sad and somehow scared and i don’t know the reason clearly ..it’s fear of not becoming as good as i always dreamt … 

Yesterday i got my olympiad results and i went through the 3rd round in Georgian. I was on 89 place in the whole country combining 3classes together.  It’s my first time i passed it . And i should definitely be very happy but i ‘m not.. I’m not ungrateful to God , not really but something kills me inside. I want to cry my tears out but i’m not alone in room.. I listened so e songs and they made me feel worse..my favorite songs are always sad melodies and i’m sad person at all inside of me .. Even if most people dont notice it …

i need something i really dont know .. I’m scared somehow that i wont write well my last round and i wont win. I wont get top 10 .. Even through i really feel God gave me a talent of being “writer” if i can name it so… I feel so much things , i feel and i express properly.. But i fear , i so much fear my last chance will be lost and i wont win… 

I’m trembling really and tears are coming to the surface ….. 

Dont know really ..i know nothing..

my exams are appearing and i’m not ready like i want to be…

and i almost expect that my entrance exams’ results will be like that too… Others will always be better.. I know it anyway and i ‘ve never imagined myself the best but in my life the same people are always on top and i’m on bottom..just everytime… And i’m tired of it ..tired …

i’m not jealous , believe me..but i want, damn it i want to be the best just sometimes at least…

sorry you , anyone that read that..sorry i’m full of negative thoughts but my final decision must be made !!!! Even if i really need facebook and i use it for exercising too , i must deactivate it and just live my life..full of hard working, full of emotions, live like Martin Iden!!! Oh did i forget that ? I’m not me anymore i must always act like him!!!! 

Bye-bye my facebook !!! I swear i wont break my promise !!! 

I will write my 3rd round ‘s task very well.. I will feel the task , i will be open-hearted and let myself speak out of my soul…just how can it not to be well ??  …. 

 

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