Emotions – they are there for a reason. I’ve been told I’m too emotional, too touchy, have too high expectations, so on so forth. I hear from people all the time about how they say, “I’m not emotional/I’m not a crier.” That’s great – but you see, we are all born with the need/automatic response for emotions.
I am no scientist but it is pretty easy to see in our everyday life at any age we can experience emotion – be it the most primal of instincts for crying infants to have it’s needs met or the most basic joys of smiling or laughing at a funny movie.
I usually have this big internal struggle when I am angry or sad about something. Usually this centers around my working life – because I’m always on a bumpy ride with that area of my life. Sigh. I just refuse to give up hope on not being able to make an income in a way that makes me feel content – not perfect, doesn’t always have to be sunshine and rainbows or without it’s challenges but overall, content.
Last night, I was feeling the stress from my job, just a mere 3-4 weeks ago I would have told you I loved – and now it’s feeling much like other jobs I have begun to run away from as fast as possible. There’s a potential it’ll revert back to my old duties and I’ll be able to do more of the work I was hired to do. But that is yet to be determined.
Last night I was feeling the stress – as I’d mentioned. I couldn’t stop crying and during my work day I felt physical sensations of need to flee – must run, escape, the walls are closing in on me. It’s awful. I cried, I was mad at my husband who seemed to downplay my feelings, and felt really alone. Somehow I mustered the focus to still leave the house and exercise – which helped and when I chatted with my husband more he just gets frustrated that he can’t fix it for me – nor does he have any idea what the answer is and he hates it.
I never expect him to fix it – just let me be right in my feelings. He did say to me, at one point, while I was telling him how I felt, “Boy, you know how lucky you are to be able to let that all out and to feel so badly right now? Not many people can do that you know.”
Of course I was mentally feeling terrible guilty for feeling totally stressed and feeling like a crack pot for seemingly always being in a working situation that seems to make me feel just downright icky. But upon hearing this – it made me feel OK.
He gave me my own advice – he let me feel what I needed to feel and let it be OK heck better than OK – a positive cleansing if you will. Letting out all the stress, expressing exactly how it makes me feel just to say it. Just to understand it. Just to know its there. Not because there’s an instant fix to what’s causing these feelings – but just recognizing the feeling, the need to let it run it’s course and when it passes and I can think clearly again, then I can get back to figuring out what my options are – tough it out and hope my job improves again, cut my hours back if financially possible, consider yet another change in careers. Who knows. But there are options.
So after that all came out last night, I woke this morning, yes still irritated with the work day but feeling much more just clear, or free of something — and I have to give credit to my man for pointing that out to me and for myself to taking it to heart and instead of feeling guilty for feeling sad/mad/hopeless/frustrated/unsatisfied/trickedintodoingsomethingIwasn’thiredfor I could feel proud of myself for being able to express myself fully.
You see ideally, when not dealing with complex medical conditions or hormonal imbalances etc., emotions tend to cycle through and move you from one to the next with nothing staying static. Which is great because it helps us determine what to do with our life and ourselves, it guides us in all manner of speaking. When we try to shut down our emotional response to a situation, we deny ourselves the chance for growth.
People are expected or encouraged to “suck it up” or just find ways to “deal with it” and move on. But what if just being allowed to feel whatever you’re feeling helps you to “deal with it” and move on? What if I didn’t feel and express those thoughts last night and was in a crappy mood and my husband went about his night like nothing was wrong. I likely would have waked still mad at him this morning. That’s no good either of course. So why would I want that for him or myself?
I know that what I’m feeling is normal stress, that I handle by fully expressing it. Or it’s a sign that “Hey lady, you’ve been wanting to chase this dream of yours for so long – and you’re so close, why you letting it go now?” Either way, it got my attention, and I’m at a brainstorming paradigm and feel like it’s the bump I needed to figure out some big steps in my life.