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I wish I knew

I always think I’m doing okay. That suppressing everything makes me okay. That I’m so strong, that there’s nothing wrong. But, I looked at your facebook tonight and your picture stung. It’s never been like that. Maybe I was angry before and I’m just hurt now, I’m not sure. It made me want to hug you, just to see you, be around you. But I know that I don’t want to. I know that I can’t. The thought of seeing you scares me. After all you put me through, why do I want that? I used to see beauty, yet pain in your eyes. But now, your icy blue eyes just haunt me… I’m just so confused. I really don’t know how else to put it… 

The memories seem to flow. But, with those memories comes more confusion and hurt. Confused about why, hurt because I still don’t understand how you did this. I know that I will never know why. I truly wish I could know though. You said you loved me, but it couldn’t have been love. You don’t do that to someone you truly love. But now I have this messed up view of love. How do I know what love is? How will I ever love someone? How will I ever even trust someone enough to be open to love? You really broke me… Was that your plan all along? As much as I know I shouldn’t, I miss you. I miss your presence, I miss the times we shared, the laughs. I miss dreaming of the future. I miss you being my best friend, I miss having that person to tell everything to. Sometimes I think of the memories and forget what you did. I forget that it was all lies and just think about the good times. I miss those. Why did you have to ruin that? I wish I hated you to the core, I wish I despised you. But truth is, sometimes I just miss you. I just want it all back. But I know I shouldn’t, and I hate myself for that. 

I just wanna run away. To some other country, just get away from here, but I know that’s not an option. I feel like I can’t handle it all anymore. I feel like at any moment, I will shatter and just break down. I feel like no one understands me, but how could they? Most people think this is from a book or movie. What I’m going through shouldn’t be for real. I know I need to let it out and let it just bleed. I’m trying, I am. But, I can’t just let down my guards like that. I always need to be the strong one, I need to be okay, I need people to think I’m okay. Even when I’m dying on the inside, I can’t let the pain show and I’ve almost become too good… Not even my friends nor mom know how much I’m truly suffering. I don’t let anyone know. Most people don’t even know the situation. I’m not trying to hide the situation from people, but it’s fairly complicated and I doubt people care much anyway. Part of me wants everyone to know, but then again, part of me just wants to keep it hidden and not have anyone know. Plus, even if I wanted to share it, who would I share it with, and where and when? I doubt people would really care. I feel so broken, but am so good at pretending that sometimes I even fool myself. That is, until it builds up like crazy and comes crashing down. But, I can’t just not be okay. 

2 thoughts on “I wish I knew”

  1. Hello dear )): came through your post and read it all )): each words you said felt like they were from my heart . Exactly a year ago i was torturing as much as i didnt wanna live anymore. And till now i’m surprised how i saved .. I felt like the world was unknown for me and i didnt belong it anymore.
    Even now , when i remember slightly how i was suffering that feeling comes into me again.. I wanted to sleep forever. Sleep and never wake up again.. I was dreaming of being dead..
    I know your torture. I relate as much as u cant imagine cause it seems our situations we were are the same..
    Me and him also had “paradise on the earth” , we were as happy as no one could imagine if this would ever end. But it did.
    I was fighting alone, i was suffering alone…crying at night alone and not only at night.. Even at school teardrops were falling without letting them fall down.. This was a torture beyond any borders..

    My dear, u arent alone, believe )): soneone reads your posts , relates and supports u ..
    I dont know who you are but i’d do my best to save u from all of this feelings..
    I know it is above u now to calm down..but believe me after some time u will see things differently . I wont tell u now what u will exactly..it’s you to experience but i promise u after this pain nothing and no one will ever hurt u anymore !! <3

  2. Thank you so much <3 I know my reply is a little late, but I've been so busy.
    It truly is comforting knowing I'm not alone and others are going through stuff too, it really is. I wasn't even sure people read my posts, but I guess someone does.
    I'm really looking forward to the day that I find that day when I find the one who doesn't hurt me, but that will also mean letting them in.

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