If I were to die today I would like for somebody to contact this boy. He’s a boy from small town Hildebran, NC. He and I went to Elementary, middle, and high school together. I met him in the 5th grade. And that is all that needs to be said. And once this boy were found, I would like someone to tell him I liked him. A lot. I kept it to myself pretty well. The only person I told was my best friend Kale. And nobody else knows. He just caught my attention. And I know l, I know it’s so cliche to fall for the bully. But I did. And oh lord it hurt so much. Not just mentally but physically. The last time I saw him was at a basketball game and he didn’t even look at me. And it just felt so terrible. I miss him like crazy and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I just would like him to know that I loved him. He should know that I hated him, as well. I hate that I loved him. That I was perfectly fine without him. But he just had to mess with me and hit on me. And he may have been joking but it got to me. I didn’t like him until the end of fall. And he was a douche. He was a jerk bag. But I still fell in love with him. And I’m crazy for it. His touch always felt amazing, I was so different from when any other guy had touched me and his touch was never intimate like other boys. He should also know that there was a reason I couldn’t make eye contact with him that semester… It’s pretty self explanatory at this point… I just want him to know that if I were to die, I loved him very much. Yes he was a douche and yes I hate him. But I love him.
Graduation is right around the corner. And I’m going crazy with schoolwork and it keeps my mind off of him at times but not all the time. My grades are at a b average. Not so great. I think it’s all the crazy banging against the walls of my head. I miss him.
Okay, so anyways. I just feel so terrible. I miss him like crazy. And I don’t know if it is just loneliness or emptiness or what. Or maybe it’s just that I’m crazy. But I think I can finally admit I love him. And because of this I can finally get over him. This is why I’ve only loved two other boys. I’m so done. It just hurts too much. He’s the third and last for a while. I love him so much it hurts and I’m just done with the plate of bullshit that I have been served in the department of love like always.