Every time I think about Matthew my chest gets tight and I have an overwhelming feeling of anxiety. Considering other mental and medical disorders his really isn’t that bad, but it’s still so hard for me to grasp. Right now we are trying to get him into a private school that specifically is for kids with dyslexia. It is one of the top 50 schools in the United States for learning disorders. There is no doubt in my mind that the school is a great School. However, Matthew has been at the same school for 4 years. It’s a Montessori school and he has had the same teacher for all four years. It is scary to think about leaving that school. It was also suggested for him to try medication for his combo ADHD/ADD. I am not against medication, as both me and my husband are medicated for ADHD. The downside of us being medicated is that I am all too familiar with the side effects of ADHD medication. I struggle with if I should medicate him or not. How will I explain to him what the medication is for, if we decide to medicate. He is such a sweet smart little boy, has and extremely high IQ, and is very well-behaved. He is a people pleaser by Nature so that typically makes him a rule follower. I am so scared that medication will change who he is. At the same time if medication can help his brain work better then by all means I am supportive of it. The doctor suggested him to take medication because with the dyslexia the skills he needs in order to decode words are in the frontal lobe. ADHD affects your frontal lobe. I am scared that I am going to make the wrong decision and “screw him up for Life”.
I am a Christian, but definitely struggle with trusting God and hardly ever read the Bible. This past weekend I made the commitment to try to be in God’s word more and to trust him. It is so much easier said than done. Being a Christian you always hear about if you are having a particular fear or anxiety about a situation it is because you don’t trust God. I hear all of these people speak about this trust and this peace that God gives them when they’ve prayed and or read the Bible. I am searching for the same trust and peace. I have read verses in the Bible and daily devotionals that talk about trust and for the moment I have some relief. I have to be more disciplined in changing my mind set. Even though I know there is a greater plan at work, I still struggle with fear and anxiety.
This past weekend God revealed to me how my low self-esteem has a negative effect on my life. I have always had low self-esteem, for as long as I can remember. In my teen years I sought the approval of my peers by engaging in risky behaviors. This type of behaviour would fill me up temporarily, but then leave me feeling drained and empty on the inside. I was also a “cutter”. I had a hard time dealing with some of my feelings and emotions, so I would cut in an attempt to “release” those feelings. I wouldn’t describe it as being suicidal, because that was never my intent. My thought process was your mind can only think about one thing so if I have caused myself physical pain then that took away the emotional pain. I haven’t cut in years, but still struggle to find a release for my feelings. Journaling seems to help. Getting everything that I am feeling out and then it’s helpful to be able to go back and read how I was feeling. The major disconnect is, I typically only Journal when I am emotionally struggling, so I end up only recording all of the bad moments and never documenting the good moments.