Friday, May 13th
My heart was pumping. I’ve been thinking all day whether or not he will be okay. Kohai asked me if I was fine, but I don’t like people comforting me, so I said I was. I’m an empathetic person. When someone cries, I cry with them and comfort them, but when they comfort me, I can’t feel my emotions properly for some reason; all my mind is concentrating on is the person comforting me and my body having reaction to whatever happened by crying. I can’t properly feel reality if someone comforts me, cause I’m already so unattached to it. Every second feels like I’m not in reality, that I’m still in my fantasy world in my head, but as soon as I’m thrown into reality, afterwards it feels like it wasn’t. That’s why when I do feel like I’m in reality, I want to feel it, I want to cry in peace and just be left with all my thoughts and prayers.
When walking from my bus stop to home, my heart was racing even more. I thought “Will he be fine? Do I have a bad feeling? Is the door I am going to cross filled with relief, grief or nothing would change? What if he’s already dead?”
People would say “It’s only a cat,” but he means so much for me. My cats are little senses of reality I can pet and if I lose one, then I lose some of my sense, I lose what as been there for me ever since I was a child, loved and angry at for not favouring me, even though I adopted him.
I lose a family member.
When I arrived, my mom said to me : “They gave him medicine to be comfortable .”
No, don’t say that. No. I heard it before when my grandfather died. I know what it means.
I hurried upstairs, replying “okay” with the most neutral tone I could do whenever they told me something. They know I’m upset, but they know I wanna be left alone.
I just heard my mother downstairs say “he’s not gonna heal from it”.
No. Don’t. Don’t say that. Just don’t.
Something’s wrong with his stomach, that’s why he’s not eating. My mom said they don’t know the seriousness, but as soon as I’m gone, she said that, but I heard.
Who knows? He might be fine, but I thought of that before and it was a mistake, cause only a few days later, my grandfather died and I didn’t take it seriously enough until I got the news. I didn’t spend his remaining life with him properly, because after the news, he was just full of medicine where he couldn’t communicate properly with us and probably couldn’t even understand us.
I… I might not go to Youth. I’m too afraid to leave him, too afraid to cry in front of the others.
I’m not gonna write a usual entry. Really, nothing else matters for me right now.