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Bad Day…

Well let’s be honest it’s been a bad few months. My anxiety has gotten worse and so has my depression. I tried letting it run it’s course like I normally do but it’s just steadily gotten worse. So… I went to the doctor and got put on meds. They’ve helped a lot but I just feel lost without one thing, him.

The best part about the past few months is meeting  and falling in love with Aaron. I knew from the moment I met him that he was my one and only. I could see my future in his eyes. On Sunday, May 15, 2016, he made me his girlfriend. A title that I hadn’t have with a man in almost 3 years. Yeah, I’ve dated on and off since the last failed relationship but other than that I haven’t been in a true and meaningful relationship. I think a lot of that has to do with a lack of trust in men and well my anxiety. Since Aaron and I made everything official my anxiety has been through the roof. I want to say I don’t know why but in reality I do. I love him, with every fiber of my being, and he knows that. I don’t keep secrets from him. He knows everything, everything that happened with my exes and everything that is going on currently. He loves me despite my past, just like I don’t hold his past against him. We understand each other. However, those voices in my head constantly make me over think things and try to make me see the bad in everything rather than the good. I knew since the day that I meet Aaron that his job takes a lot out of him, he works construction. So what in my right mind would make me think that he doesn’t love me because we didn’t really talk today, I know he told me that today during lunch. I had a feeling he was going to fall asleep early when he got home. I didn’t want to pester him right when he got home either because I knew he needed some time.

However, those voices in my head constantly make me over think things and try to make me see the bad in everything rather than the good. I knew since the day that I meet Aaron that his job takes a lot out of him, he works construction. So what in my right mind would make me think that he doesn’t love me because we didn’t really talk today, I know he told me that today during lunch. I had a feeling he was going to fall asleep early when he got home. I didn’t want to pester him right when he got home either because I knew he needed some time.

I feel in love with this man that is kind, gentle, caring, understanding, compassionate, and so much more. He’s everything that I’ve ever wanted in a man. The kisses that he gives me, the kisses on the forehead that make my heart skip a beat. The way he holds me in his arms. I feel safe and cherished when I’m with him. I feel like nothing will ever hurt me. I just wish all the negative thoughts would go away.

I just wish all the negative thoughts would go away. I hate feeling like this. I hate thinking that one day I’m going to wake up to text messages that say something along the lines of “I’m sorry Sydney I just can’t do the distance” I guess that’s because I’ve had it happen like that before. So tonight when I go to bed I’m going to pray, that God will show me where I need to be. 

So tonight when I go to bed I’m going to pray, that God will show me where I need to be. I’m going to pray that I find an understanding in regards to where I’m supposed to be in life. I know that Aaron is my soul mate but I feel like I should pray about it and I guess I should probably let him read this as well so he can understand where I’m coming from.

Sydney

P.S. the song… it’s H.O.L.Y. by Florida Georgia Line, it reminds me of him in every aspect of my life. 

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