12/19/15
My lows have taken everything. I’ll push everyone I love away. Stay a safe distance away so I don’t hurt you, so I don’t do anything shameful. I am an embarrassment.
Don’t commit to me, I will let you down. I can’t stay the course, I’m unable.
Look at you all dealing with life’s curve-balls and devastations with grace and strength. I can’t function with everything on a silver platter. Self-centered cunt. I am selfish. Hate me because you should, I do.
My image is so far from what is truth.
I’ll be nothing. I break under pressure. I crack under responsibility. Don’t look to me.
I am ashamed of everything I’m not because I should be more. Overweight. Poor. Unhappy. Stupid. Selfish. Pathetic.
And I cause people I love to question their own worth. I’m a walking bomb, ruining perfectly good people. It’s like my self hate, self doubt is contagious. Each person I love that I cause pain to makes me deserve to hurt. I deserve to be dead but I’ve been even to selfish to do that.
I don’t want to leave my house. Pretending is getting harder.
I envy true strength and selflessness.
/////////////////////////////////// Later that day////////////
My Mom was this way. Now that I am older I can review memories in a different lens. She would be irrational due to criticism. Overly sensitive due to low self-esteem.
I’m at a crossroads. I want to try to be better but the inevitable failure sometimes thwarts even starting.
