Selfishness, Grace and Realizations

12/19/15

My lows have taken everything.  I’ll push everyone I love away.  Stay a safe distance away so I don’t hurt you, so I don’t do anything shameful.  I am an embarrassment.

Don’t commit to me, I will let you down.  I can’t stay the course, I’m unable.

Look at you all dealing with life’s curve-balls and devastations with grace and strength.  I can’t function with everything on a silver platter.  Self-centered cunt.  I am selfish.  Hate me because you should, I do.

My image is so far from what is truth.

I’ll be nothing.  I break under pressure.  I crack under responsibility.  Don’t look to me.

I am ashamed of everything I’m not because I should be more.  Overweight.  Poor.  Unhappy.  Stupid. Selfish. Pathetic.

And I cause people I love to question their own worth.  I’m a walking bomb, ruining perfectly good people.  It’s like my self hate, self doubt is contagious.  Each person I love that I cause pain to makes me deserve to hurt.  I deserve to be dead but I’ve been even to selfish to do that.

I don’t want to leave my house.  Pretending is getting harder.

I envy true strength and selflessness.

/////////////////////////////////// Later that day////////////

My Mom was this way.  Now that I am older I can review memories in a different lens.  She would be irrational due to criticism.  Overly sensitive due to low self-esteem.

I’m at a crossroads.  I want to try to be better but the inevitable failure sometimes thwarts even starting.

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