Thinking about the ex I mentioned in the post “I like him because he’s smart, headstrong and independent.”. Aaaaaaand Im pretty bummed out.
He was good for me and some how my mom knew before I did. And I messed up things, BAD…
I was watching this anime called “Clannad” when I was with him. It is now my favorite anime of all time. Let me tell you, I’ve never sobbed over anything I’ve ever watched so hard. Never. I’ve cried over anime, but never sobbed. The music I put is the ending theme of Clannad.
I won’t go into details about it in case you want to watch it. But basically it’s about some guy (Tomoya Okazaki, 17) that just isn’t happy with his life until he meets this girl at school (Nagisa Furukawa, 18 (?)). He has issues with his alcoholic dad and his mom died when he was young. And there’s just so many stories within the anime with him and his friends and him and her and it’s amazing.
And when I watch it, it takes me back to when I was with him. We were both watching it. But I was ahead of him and finished it before him. I couldn’t wait to see his reaction to the ending. But we broke up before he reached it. So I told him how it ended because I wanted a reaction, but he was comically upset that I had told him how it ended and had no reaction to it.
I think of him every time I watch an episode. I saw a lot of him in the male character. Strong, kind of a jerk but actually really nice and sweet when we were alone. The female character became so much to him.
I remember he told me he was happy when he was with me and he hasn’t felt that in awhile. During my melt downs, I’d tell him I wanted to die and he asked me how I’d feel if he had said that to me, then just imagine how it made him feel when I said that. That I meant a lot to him. He told me I was beautiful. He held me close when I’d sleep over his place.
When he had to leave, it was so hard for me to let go of him. I’d walk him out to his car, hug him and just not let go. Because he was all I wanted, all I needed. He pretended he was annoyed by it and tell me to let go, but then I’d kiss him and he’d kiss me back.
He’d get cutely jealous, sometimes I think I hurt him with jokes about guys I knew. But I loved him, I loved him. I wish he knew how badly I wanted to be with him. How much my heart actually felt for him. How empty I felt, yet my chest hurt when he had to leave.
When I was with him, I always thought a part of him knew I wasn’t good enough for him. But I look back and I realize how much loved me. How much I meant to him. How much he wanted me. He never felt like I wasn’t good enough for him. He felt like I was good FOR him. He saw a future with me. And I was scared to believe him.
What I’d do to have him back.
Recently, I texted him because I was just depressed and over these last couple weeks, I’ve tried texting him to no response. But he responded this time saying.
“*Insert my name here* listen, I don’t want to leave you alone in your time of need. I hope you realize that. But at this point,I can guarantee you it would just make things worse on both sides.”
And didn’t respond after I asked how.
He told me a little before that, he couldn’t trust me. I didn’t cheat on him, it was other issues. So he’d never be with me again. I understand. But when we were together this last time, (I disappeared on him twice, I told you I was terrible) he told me we could never be friends because it’d hurt too much.
But at the same time he was searching my Facebook everyday even before I started trying to text him again. (I have an app that tells me) The last time he searched my Facebook was the 24th of May this year. That’s five days ago.
I can’t tell what he’s feeling. I know he’s probably over me. Maybe he cares enough to see my progress and how I’m doing.
What I do know, is that I lose myself in memories when I look at a Polaroid of us I took last year. I lose myself in memories watching “Clannad”. I lose myself listening to one of his favorite bands. I lose myself in memories just waking up in the morning. Because he is honestly the first person I think of in the morning.
If you’ve read my previous posts you’re probably like “How many guys are you deeply in love with?”
Just this one.
I got over the last one in a week, even though the post (Nothing like the first time) was pretty deep. But also the other posts before THAT one, show I was pretty miserable. Meh, I loved him, yeah. But I look back, and we were definitely not meant to be together. It was just a beautiful part of my life I won’t forget.
And ol’ blue eyes is just a hot, good, friend… that I’d totally bang if I got the chance.
I’d do almost anything for him to be mine again.