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Tainted Love. (1)

I’ve invested a lot of time in this relationship with B; whether we were together or apart it seemed as we were destined to be in each other’s lives.

I’ve tried dating other guys and you’ve tried dating other girls but it didn’t work out. We’re still young and things can change, but for the moment being… I don’t know.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I honestly don’t.
I want more than anything to say that you’re the love of my life, you’re the light of my life, you’re my best friend and soul-mate…and up until a few months ago I believed that was true.

Would anyone believe me if I said this about someone I’ve never met? Fuck no. But that never mattered to me. Long distance works as long as you make the effort. I love(d) you. You and I have(d) a special bond. Things are different now.

We weren’t talking, you were doing your own thing and I was doing mine, it’s not uncommon for us to not talk for a lengthy amount of time because we always somehow find our ways back to each other…but this time, I met someone. W. He lit me up. I sat in his car and I sang the songs we both loved and I felt like I belonged. I felt beautiful when he looked over at me. I felt loved when he bathed me with loving gestures and kisses. I felt brilliant when we spoke and after months of not feeling what I had first felt with you, I felt good enough.

It’s June 1, 2016 and none of that matters because this so called friend, this guy who I had lusted over for years and had finally had the amazing opportunity to date and grow to love, left me… with no sympathy, he walked out of my life. It’s been months since this happened and I pleaded for his friendship but he never got back to me. 

There’s a difference between lust and love.  I loved him. He lusted me. 
He told me I filled the void, he was obviously not over his ex girlfriend, he wrote and sang me a song in his room once and one of the lyrics broke my heart, he said it was for me but it focused on something new that vibrates with happiness but is still compared to something that used to vibrate with happiness. And when he broke up with me he kept telling me he loved me, he loved, and loved, and loved me…But how can someone who loves someone so much leave them to rot. How can someone who called someone their best friend so easily leave them?

And I hate it because I still think about him, and his touch.. and it’s disgusting. I miss him, and it’s disgusting. I love him, and it’s disgusting. It’s not fair to be left with these emotions for someone who is so undeserving.

And I don’t know why I long for your (B) companionship, I can’t tell anymore if it’s for genuine feelings or because of my loneliness; what I do know is I can tell you anything, I can confess my hardships and relapses and you’ll always be there with loving arms, and I think that’s what true love is. 

I don’t think I’m stable enough to hold a relationship, (which is probably why I don’t have any close friends, and which is also why I can disappear from social media and not have anyone notice let alone miss me) but with you, anything is possible. 

 

 -A

 

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