Holding on to pain

I go on drives we used to go on. Listen to songs we used to get lost in. Binge watch dumb tv shows we used to fall asleep together to. And intentionally do things knowing it’s going to sting like hell, but I’m just scared to lose those memories. I’m so desperate to hold onto you regardless of how badly it hurts. I’m holding on to pain because that’s all I have left from you. 

Its been 8 months since you left and not a single day has gotten easier. I can’t go ten minutes without you in my mind, I rarely make my hour drive home from work without letting a tear fall. I miss you and I’m so pathetic for missing you. 

You weren’t good to me, you never were. I was never good enough for you, or enough for you in general. There was always someone else I didn’t know about. You tore me down and destroyed every single part of my being. 
So how, how in the hell am I still in love with you? How do I still miss climbing in to bed with you, staring at you while you sleep because it’s the most beautiful sight. You were a piece of shit to me in the most disgusting ways and I fucking miss you. 

I love you as much as I ever did, I hate that I love you. I wish I hated you but the only person I can bring myself to hate is me. 

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