Well this journal is off to a happy start

It feels like my life is stuck in cycles.  

Classes, lunch, classes, home, homework, meds, sleep.  Repeat. 

Cut, burn, heal, scar.  Repeat. 

Starve, vomit, give up, eat.  Repeat.  

School, summer, school.  Repeat. 

Feel good, feel shitty, feel numb.  Repeat.

And it never

Maybe that’s why I don’t feel like living.  It’s boring.  It’s repetitive.  And I’m trapped in my own body, in my own home, trying to get out and live a good fulfilling life but I’m stuck.  And I’m scared that one day I’ll do a little less of not-feeling-like-living and a little more of feeling-like-fucking-dying and I’ll kill myself.  

My parents think I cut and burn and talk about suicide to manipulate other people.  I guess I do, if they say so.  I don’t mean to, anyway, but I end up doing that anyway I suppose.  Maybe that’s why I’ve always been so alone through it all.  People don’t want to get involved and feel guilty about me and the stupid shit I do.  I know I make certain people feel horrible when I wear shorts and they can see the white and pink lines strewn all across my thighs from the razor in December and I know it’s bad, but I don’t really care.  I almost forget at times about the red burn marks scattered on my right forearm, even though the pain felt very real at the time.  I hope other people do, but maybe I’m not so lucky.  

One thought on “Well this journal is off to a happy start”

  1. I felt the same about repetitions but I learned to deal with it because it is just life. I felt it to be very boring and uninteresting but there are some facets of it that make it worth while, it may be very small, futile in fact but it’s those small things that make me remember how life is supposed to be about experiences but with the society is you can’t experience much if you don’t have the money to do so . Yeah it sounds stupid to live for the experiences or better yet “Live to live.” I would also like to say that the past is the past, those markings you have are in the past, some people don’t see that and are quick to judgment, I’m afraid most people are like that. I wouldn’t be ashamed of those scars, it just shows that you have changed; hell I have one myself. “The world cannot change even if one if different from the rest.” One last thing, we all make dumb decisions throughout our lifetime- the key is to not let it bring you down. We all get a little lost in our journey of life and I wonder who get to make it out of tunnel, right now you should keep walking through it, even if you trip over a rock because it is to dark walk on and if you cannot walk then crawl and if you can’t crawl well keep moving forward; don’t remain stagnant. I’m sure you’ll find something in this life that gives it meaning, give it time, be patient with the people around you. Hope this helps in a way, just thought I could try and write something uplifting. -Ambi

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