Thoughts at 01:01 am

I went to Quiapo church. I just stayed there for a couple of hours, sitting and looking at the altar. Silently talking to Him. It feels good going there, because everybody is busy with their own thing so no one noticed that I am crying or maybe there are people who saw me but they don’t know me, so I don’t mind. It feels liberating crying in a public place, it feels so good letting out the tears I’ve been trying to hold back. Nung nandun ako it’s as if I am free to let out all the tears and pain inside me. No one judged me when they saw me crying. No one questioned me why am I crying. Kaya iniyak ko lahat, I admit I am an emotionally fucked up person. I often cry, I cry about little things and that’s one thing I hate about myself. If there’s one thing I want to change that’s being too emotional, because it’s not helping me. I cry from time to time but I don’t show it to everyone, even with the people at work I am close with. I cried far too many times but I hide it, sa kwarto pag tulog na si Tessa. Sa CR pag tipong naalala kita at di ko mapigilan maiyak. Sa station ko, yun ang sanctuary ko pag nagsusulat ako ng mga bagay tungkol sayo. Pag nasa sala ako sa bahay lalo na sa lungga ko, madalas kitang maalala sa mga lugar na yun. Nakikita kitang nakaupo sa sofa, nakahiga dun sa masikip kong higaan kaya ayokong umuuwi sa amin simula nung maputol na lahat sa atin. Kasi ikaw ang nakikita ko. At masakit yun sa akin because those memories torture me every single day. I have to deal with it day and night. Kaya gustong gusto ko ng makalimot. Gusto na kitang makalimutan.

– J

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