Tonight

Tonight, I’ve decided is the night I will let myself cry over you. Still unpacking. Pretty sure I’m past denial and went through angry quickly this morning unpacking. To now, well sadness. How am I supposed to unpack and see cards addressed “To my wife,” where you cleverly put in “future” above. When talks about future plans continued until the night before you cut it off. Maybe something happened that weekend you went out and refuse to talk about. Maybe its easier to break it off with me then tell me you screwed up. I mean, thats the only reason I can see such a sudden change of heart coming. Why, if you weren’t happy still talk to me like you were. Concerned with how if I was nervous or not for orientation the next day. Supporting me all the way until…that next morning. Was it that weekend? Was it eating you up inside? You’ve had bad weekends with friends before where you would talk to me about it, but this one you want to block out. Which is the only reason I believe all this has occurred. I don’t want to know. But at the same time, feel like it would make this so much easier. If I could just hate you, instead of wonder how we went from so good to so bad in a matter of two-three weeks. The “you’re my person messages” and “to my future wife.” I’m lost and I don’t understand. So tonight, I’ll curl up in bed and hit that third stage and let myself cry. But tomorrow, I’ll pick myself up and continue¬†on.

While I may still want this, and you more than you know. You have also lit a spark in me, it’s time to take care of me. To really be just myself, alone and get used to being that way again. To put my schooling first, versus worrying about the next time I’ll get to see you, or making sure I get to talk to you on the phone. Maybe this is me working my way to the acceptance stage. But for now, I’ll let myself cry.

2 thoughts on “Tonight”

  1. Darling, it may be a cliche but time is definitely a healer and it most definitely gets easier. You are doing the right thing by working through your emotions and understanding your progress. I bottled mine and ignored them for a long time which ended with me having a breakdown. Stay strong huni and always put yourself first! Lots of hugs x

  2. I had something similar happen and I thought I wanted answers and I have to admit when I finally got them they broke my heart even more. Sometimes not knowing and just accepting that things happen for a reason is the best route to take. I hope you find comfort soon…. have a good cry, put on some music, dance your heart out after and realize you are better than the BS he is putting you through.

    xoxoxo

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