Pain and Prayer

It’s kind of weird how last night I felt like I wanted to text him because I thought maybe there was a reason that I’ve been thinking about him so much, but then this morning I found out he is dating someone else. At first, I went into a full blown panic attack. My heart was pounding out of my chest and I felt like I had missed my chance. But then I asked myself, why am I upset? Why didn’t I text him last night? What stopped me? The truth is, no matter how much I loved him and how much I wanted to fix things, I still felt like I couldn’t forgive him. We loved each other from the moment we met and even that couldn’t make me feel secure enough to work things out. Yeah, it fucking hurts that he’s with someone else, but I have also been with other guys. I prayed that he would find someone who made him happy and who accepted him for who he is, and I hope that’s her. I really hope he finds happiness, because I know I will too. I have found happiness in many places since we ended it, not just with other people but within myself I have found comfort. Maybe I did miss a chance to have something with him again; I don’t doubt we would have been together again at some point. But a part of me feared going back to something that was messy and too broken to be fixed, and being in a relationship like that hurt more than not being with him. I’ve said it before, I wish things were different, but I genuinely hope she puts a smile on his face. 

As for me, I realize that I do deserve better. Even if I don’t believe it just yet, I tell myself I am amazing and the right guy will see that. There are no mistakes in God’s plan. If we were meant to be together, we would be, right now. But we aren’t and there is reason. I read that God sometimes puts people in our past in front of us because He has already revealed to us who they are. I know he was a good guy and he made me happy, but I didn’t find in him everything I was dreaming of. Right now of course, my mind is focused on what is lost; the memories, the laughs, the good times. But soon I will be focused on the future; the fact that I will find someone who I will marry, who I will grow with, who loves me, who makes me happy beyond words, and who I might have a family with someday. If I need to cry about it, I will. I will sob until I have no more tears. But I will get myself out of bed like I do every day with hope and happiness. Because it’s not my loss, it’s his. Like right now I regret not texting him, but why? I don’t even know if I wanted to get back together with him or if it was because I was having one of those moments where I just really missed him. If I had text him, all I would be doing is making him confused and then if I had found out he was about to date someone else, then that would make things even messier. 

God, forgive me for my lack of faith lately. Things have been so hard and honestly I’ve just been so numb to everything that I often don’t see what you are doing for me. I trust your plan for me and I feel your love everyday. Please be with me extra close today; my heart is still breaking, I’m still confused and unsure. I pray for him, I pray that whoever she is that they are happy together, truly. He deserves that. I pray that you will bring me to someone worth the time, who loves me for me, and that he will make me see that I don’t have to hurt anymore. I pray for someone like that, Lord. Someone perfect for me. Someone I can be perfect for. For now, please help me heal from this… from the drama, the heart break, the pain I bring myself at times. Please help me feel whole. In Jesus name, Amen. 

Anger: FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME THINK THAT YOU STILL WANTED ME. SERIOUSLY. WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT TO SOMEONE? YOU TEXT ME SAYING YOU LOVE ME SO MUCH BLAH BLAH AND WANT ME BACK, AND THEN DON’T TEXT ME WHEN I OFFER YOU MY FEELINGS. NOT EVEN ATTEMPTING A CONVERSATION. DID I FUCKING TELL YOU THAT I DIDN’T WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN? NO. DID I TELL YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE? NO. FUCK YOU. I’M GLAD YOU FOUND SOMEONE WHO ACCEPTS YOUR LIFE THE WAY YOU MADE IT. 

Rant over. There was just a little bit of sass underneath all this peace and hippy-like acceptance. 

I have this overwhelming feeling that I want to text him. Like I want to so bad it hurts. But why do I want to text him? Do I want a chance to get back together with him? Why do I want to text him so bad? What will that accomplish? How will this help my situation? What if he just says it’s too late and he’s moved on? What if he doesn’t? What do I want from this? I think it’s because I was going text him last night but didn’t and now I feel like he needs to know how I feel. But if I am rejected then that will just make me feel worse inside but at least I would I know? Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t know if I actually miss him or if all this is apart of the healing process. I mean if I ignore these feelings long enough they will become apart of the process. But I don’t know if I want to ruin something good he might have by butting in or making this complicated in his brain. I don’t know what to do, God help me. 

One thought on “Pain and Prayer”

  1. Your attitude about all this is wonderful. You are trusting God and looking ahead to the future. Good for you!!! Your faith will bring you great blessings. And your forgiving heart. Little rant noted. I like your honesty. Your heart is in the right place and so is your mind. It will be good…..your future. Bless you.

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