2/13/16 I had a dream last night that I couldn’t tell apart from reality. I was simply sleeping in bed when two transparent figures burst into my room screaming and yelling at each other and they got louder as they came closer towards me. There was a man leading the way and he was being chased by a woman which caused him to sound panicked. I can no longer recall what was being said but the woman was berating him for talking and she seemed antagonistic while he seemed like a victim. This commotion woke me up and half-asleep I slurred something along the lines of “stay calm.” I then somehow sunk back asleep and my body began to physically vibrate. I was half expecting sleep paralysis to occur but nothing happened. I felt awake enough as all of this seemed to be taking place. It seemed absolutely real to me and I was convinced that it happened.
2/?/16 I am constantly battling my own thoughts, trying to move past embarrassing slip-ups. The voices seem fewer in numbers while I am still miserable and hateful towards them. If they wanted something from me, I would’ve known by now. They’re amused as I numb myself to degrading tasks. I feel painfully ignorant as to what is taking place around me (perhaps they’re mooning me on some days) but I have no choice but to be part of a spectacle and sick game. I fight their insults, although this must appear foolish, I am just too disgusted to care. None of this matters. I’ve come to realize that I am not a great person, but I care about myself enough to not accept what’s happening to me. I am changing on the inside…I can’t write this without pissing myself off, it’s nobody’s business. Maybe I can’t be ignored? Am I as much a bother to them as they are to me? What upsets me the most is that people might pity me, but I must make it my job to prevent this.
2/15/16 “You can’t do anything…” a girl tauntingly says. “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity…” No thanks. “You’re a pathetic excuse for a woman.” Then watch me revel in my own shit, bitch. The new medication is making me faint–I had shortness of breath and felt the blood draining from my head.
2/20/16 I asked them angrily to say something important. A familiar male voice replied “I don’t know what to say.”
2/21/16 I’ve thrown every conceivable insult at them in an annoying attempt to be obstinate. They can thank every miscreant who called me out in a crowd of strangers–I’ve experienced no bonding. I feel idiotic for instigating, but I’ve made it no challenge to target myself for abuse. By doing this I at least know why I am being insulted. I am so easily dismissible and not worth the time, but that is the point of it. I also often feel as though I’m being spoken to like an infant by the benign voices, and I believe most things go without saying. Anyone who defends me at this point must be looked at and questioned, because I would not defend my own behavior.
2/22/16 The so-called benign voices waste no time this morning telling me that I am “crazy” and ruining my peaceful mood. I don’t know how anyone could not go crazy being told this on a daily basis. Their dumbass observations help in no way but to set doubt in my mind.
“You’re acting like an idiot”
“You’re embarrassing yourself”
“Leave her alone”
2/28/16 I woke up this morning to terribly negative voices. By the afternoon they took on a more positive tone, but I don’t know why or who is saying what. I’ve heard the following phrases:
“You’re so much cooler than him” (I was at a friend’s house)
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Your painting sucks”
“Stop looking at your face”
“You look retarded”
“You’re wasting time”
“You have good taste in men”
“You’re good at this”
“You need to learn to take compliments”
5/17/16 I am so tired and willing to hurt myself in order to make it stop.
5/19/16 “She fucked up her entire life.” I’ve developed some type of thought disorder too difficult to describe, and I am resentful for this. I keep fucking up and getting angry but there is no place for me to think in private. It’s an absolute mind fuck.
5/22/16 I keep talking about the voices and it’s getting on everyone’s nerves…I might as well talk to the voices instead. I feel like an outcast. My boyfriend gets angry anytime I talk about it, he tells me it’s not real like that’ll help. I am slowly not giving a fuck about other people’s petty problems. I’ve had two people talk behind my back without me being aware that they even knew I was schizophrenic…they think my problems are made up and imaginary…I’m sick of life. One day they’ll learn and understand. This illness is changing my personality.