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ode to moving on

I’m lost without you . . .

I ain’t one to jump a ship, but I absolutely knew –

I was six steps in when I fell into you.

 

This is the last time I give you a last time.

 

The last time you put your hands around my neck. The last time I wear your bruises as rings on my throat. The last time I claim you as mine. Tell me how many times you’re going to kill yourself. That’s not my responsibility anymore. You’ve touched me for the last time. I swear. This is the last time. I’m just so hurt. I can’t believe you asked me to stay. When you pushed me so far away. Your hands on my last breath. I was begging for breath. How could you not see in my eyes I wanted to be freed. But you just wouldn’t let me be. You grabbed my thigh as a last goodbye and I saw the hate full and raging in your eyes. As you bruised me that last moment. I can’t understand what is wrong with me. Why I didn’t just leave…

 

You dug a bruise into my thigh. You told lies. You held me captive. You told me lies. You held my throat one last time. You told lies. For the last time. One. last. Time. I swear this is the last time.

 

Like I swore before. But that wasn’t for sure. I was too weak. But after tonight, I have gained nothing but strength.

 

I want to write about about growing old in the pain. A memoir about my strengths. But no one cares about pain and hate filled with rage. Plus I won’t live long enough to tell you my pain. I want to take my own life everyday. But these gains pertain to love and hate and piece of shit souls.

 

I want nothing but good for everyone anymore. I wish pain on no one. Only myself because I know how it’s dealt. Onto those who have too much to bear. It’s unfair. This torture I’ve embedded because I own it, I deserve it. Give it all to me. Set them free.

 

This hand I’ve been dealt is well felt. I deserve nothing less than this tortured soul. This pained existence. I will give no resistance. I want this. I need this.

 

And there ain’t no turning back when our train is off its track
And there’s nothing we can do but watch it crash

 

I still miss you.

I still need you.

I still love you.

 

Tormented and demented for life.

 

I can’t get over what happened tonight. It just doesn’t feel right. I feel full of spite. It’s an unsettling feeling in my core. I want to be mad. But I’m just sad.

 

Day 2 I feel so weak and want to repeat. The same mistake I’ve made too many times. I just can’t do this alone. I know the longer I hold on the stronger I will become but it’s just not fun. I want to hold you even with the chance of you holding my neck. It’s a sick comfort to me. While everyone’s out having fun living their life I want to rot with you. And I’m demented.

 

I’ve been free fallin’ my whole life. I don’t feel right. I feel like I’ve finally grabbed ahold of something stable. My will to live. My will to live a fulfilling meaningful life. For me this time. Toxic is toxic. There’s no way around it. You can’t be happy in a landfill and expect to survive on noxious fumes and make any kind of progress. If someone actually ever loved you, they would never hurt you. They would not lay a single hate filled finger on you. But instead turn that hate back unto themselves. Maybe use it for the greater and create something beautiful out of pain. Like I do. But you can’t tell someone what to do. I have learned that my life is precious. I am something you win, not something you receive as a gift. You have to work for me. I am not for free.

 

Too tired to eat
  
too tired to breathe
  
too tired to deal with all of these tragedies
  
but I’m too scared

I’m too scared
 
to sleep


So smear the dark circles that cradled my eyes
    
I fool myself to keep livin’ this mundane life
         
with flushed pigment and these fractured smiles

I’m just buyin’ my time


without you by my side

without you by my side

When life is too much and you just feel like giving up. Just hold on. This has been worth it all along.

 

I want to talk to you but want to stay strong like I pretended to be all along. I crawled out of a window to get away. You didn’t want me to stray. You begged me to stay. The moment I pulled myself through and set feet on solid ground, I was found. What I lost so long ago. I didn’t even know. Now it’s clear. All the fear. I am free. Not free yet. But closer than ever before. I want to crawl back to you but it’s just a flu. But I still just don’t know what to do. My head is a whirlwind of sickness and madness and sadness I’m trapped in this hell of a mind all alone without you. What can I do.

 

Full of self doubt. That’s what I’m all about. Over thinking and continuously sinking.

 

I’m too scared to sleep. Without you by my side I have no pride.

 

When you lose your best friend. When you lose what made you whole. When you lost your entire soul. I feel cold. I just want to hold. You. Only you. I want to be held.

 

How can I be someone that you love if you hate me?

 

Every fucking song. Every fucking song. Every FUCKING song reminds me of you. Every lyric rings true. Every word strangles me just like you and I can’t breathe. I’m choking on memories. Suffocated. I want to be deaf because it all hurts beyond death. No breath.

 

Drinking beers to kill my fears. But they only make it more ever so present. I didn’t ask for this. I don’t want to exist. I feel like shit. Please add me to your kill list. Add me to your top five and let’s get it over with. I don’t want to exist.

 

I want to give a shit again.

 

Without you I have no reason to stay. But I’ve still got both my arms and a damaged somehow still beating broken heart. With which I can make this pain into art. I guess that’s a start. I’m falling apart.

 

At the seams. This is me. I want to take all my crumbled soul and turn it into gold. I am worthless now. But I will build my value again. Never repent. My sins are my sins and that’s where I will begin. Never look back. Never feel remorse for anything I’ve done. It’s everything I’ve done.

 

How’s the world so small when the world is so large? And what made the world. Could I please speak to who’s in charge? Everything is real. But it’s also just as fake.

 

I think about living with you in hotels to escape from everyone and hiding the truth after what you did to me. I can’t ever listen to music or ride in a car or go on trips or a hotel ever again without thinking of you. I can’t eat without everything about you crushing my face with memories and making it hard to eat.

 

This is the last time I give you a last time.

 

One last kiss. I love you like an alcoholic.

One last kiss. I love you like a statuette.

One last kiss. I need you like I need a broken leg.

One last kiss. I love you like a broken pot.

One last kiss. I love you like a pack of dogs.

One last kiss. I need you like I need a gaping head wound.

 

The sound of barking dogs, so angry. I wonder why. I now understand why. The fear of the unknown of what they don’t know. The fear of what they can’t see and what may or may not be. This fear you’ve instilled in me I feel like a dog needing to be set free. Willing and ready to flee at the scene.

 

And this was all a dream

And it’s coming back to me

A portrait in grey scale

A perfect betrayal

And I can’t even breathe

With this weighing on my chest

You knew me at my best

Now I can’t even stand on my own

 

You left me alone. You left me to fend for myself. Like everyone else. I’m so alone. I’m so lost. I’m not in charge. You were the one steering the ship and now it’s been caught off course and hit and is quickly sinking to the bottom.

 

I’ll haunt your dreams like you haunted mine

Claw at the sockets of your deceiving eyes

I’ll make you rue the day

You ever laid your hands on me

 

I’m gonna leave it at this. I want nothing more than your kiss. No one’s lips will ever fit as perfectly as yours. This is what I abhor.

 

I will never get over you.

I will never not love you.

I want to hate you.

But I just hate myself.

I want to instill all the hate and fear I have in myself into you.

But it will never be true.

I love you.

 

I’ll never stop needing you.

I’ll never stop loving you.

I’ll never stop missing you.

I wanted your life embedded in mine. Intertwined I’ll be fine. But I won’t be okay. I WILL NOT BE OKAY. It was all full of lies. I’ll be fine. It was my fault to believe the bullshit. I will be fine. I’m not alright. But I’m not alright. I’m not okay. I’ll never be okay.

 

My eyes burn from these tears

You’d think I’d learn over these years

Good things won’t last forever

 

I wanted your babies. I wanted our family. I wanted our dog. I wanted our life. You sliced it with an unforgiving knife at my life. This isn’t right.

 

This isn’t love. This isn’t life. This is sheer pain and torture. I’ve been tortured my whole life. That’s why we fit so well from within. But not where true love and life begins. Our pain matched and set us up for failure. I’m a failure. You’re a cold sore. I feel so sore. I keep biting but can’t forget it’s there. It’s never going to heal. For days and days. For weeks and weeks it still burns. It churns my insides. I don’t feel alright. I feel sick. I am pissed.

 

Haunted by the memories of things we’ll never see
Guilty for the statements that we’ll never get to speak

 

Mona is my baby. My only one. She feels when I am in pain and it’s inane. I never don’t feel insane. Her face kills me every time. All I see is you. In everything I look in, I see you. In every car. In every fast food. In every couch. In every bed. In every tear in a seam. In everything I’ve ever believed. In every scar and wound. I feel you. I feel you in my lungs. I feel you in every breath. I feel you in my bed. But it’s not a bed without you. Nothing is mine without you. I’m so lost and confused.

 

And I would love to find you growing wild out by the woods,

I would make a basket with the front of my t-shirt,

and take home as many of you as I could.

 

The sound of barking dogs, so angry. I wonder why. I now understand why. The fear of the unknown of what they don’t know. The fear of what they can’t see and what may or may not be. This fear you’ve instilled in me I feel like a dog needing to be set free. Willing and ready to flee at the scene.But I still stay and not stray. Anyway.

 

You knew me at my best

Now I can’t even stand on my own,

You left me alone. You left me to fend for myself. Like everyone else in my entire life. I’m so alone. I’m so lost. I’m not in charge. You were the one steering the ship and now it’s been caught off course and hit and is quickly sinking to the bottom.

 

I’ll haunt your dreams like you haunted mine

Claw at the sockets of your deceiving eyes

I’ll make you rue the day

You ever laid your hands on me

 

I’m gonna leave it at this. I want nothing more than your kiss. No one’s lips will ever fit as perfectly as yours. This is what I abhor. I wish I could leave so easily. But love has never come easy.

 

I will never get over you.

I will never not love you.

I want to hate you.

But I just hate myself.

I want to instill all the hate and fear I have in myself into you.

But it will never be true.

I love you.

 

I’ll never stop needing you.

I’ll never stop loving you.

I’ll never stop missing you.

 

I wanted your life embedded in mine. Intertwined, But I guess somehow?  I’ll be fine. But I won’t be okay. I WILL NOT BE OKAY. It was all full of lies. I’ll be fine. It was my fault to believe the bullshit. I will be fine. I’m not alright. But I’m not alright. I’m not okay. I’ll never be okay.

 

I wanted your babies. I wanted our family. I wanted our dog. I wanted our life. You sliced it with an unforgiving knife at my life. This isn’t right.

 

This isn’t love. This isn’t life. This is sheer pain and torture. I’ve been tortured my whole life. That’s why we fit so well from within. Our pain matched and set us up for failure. I’m a failure. You’re a cold sore. I feel so sore. I keep biting but can’t forget it’s there. It’s never going to heal. For days and days. For weeks and weeks it still burns. It churns my insides. I don’t feel alright. I feel sick. I am pissed.

 

Haunted by the memories of things we’ll never see
Guilty for the statements that we’ll never get to speak

 

Mona is my baby. My only one. She feels when I am in pain and it’s inane. I never don’t feel insane. Her face kills me every time. All I see is you. In everything I look in, I see you. In every car. In every fast food. In every couch. In every bed. In every tear in a seam. In everything I’ve ever believed. In every scar and wound. I feel you. I feel you in my lungs. I feel you in every breath. I feel you in my bed. But it’s not my bed without you. Nothing is mine without you. I’m so lost and confused.

 

I’ve just been

goin through the motions

with an empty smile bolted on my face

Ever since the day we started

I’ve been stratchin’ forks at empty plates

Now I finally realize it’s fucking pointless

To fight a battle for somebody

Who just does not care

and never has

And never will

I’m better off all on my own

So you can rest your head beneath head stone

For all I care

For all I care

I’ve lost that lust for life

I once possessed when there were fewer years

And mass upon my shoulders

I’ve lost that need to thrive

That compulsion to feel to create to discover

Somebody please call in the coroner

Just because I’m moving

Doesn’t mean I’m not a corpse

Soon I’ll be building our casket

From the scrapes of these bridges destroyed

By the storms I’ve been brewin’

Foreign flesh to tear your insides

Sharpened steel to tear your throat

No longer will you be the one

To tie my hanging rope

It’s over.

 

 

 

 

Getting stronger.

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