Oh Snapchat…

I feel the need to repeat this again: I know how juvenile this sounds! At the same time, it is all I had left. He broke up with me and deleted me from Facebook and Instagram but for whatever reason, didn’t delete me from Snapchat. I became a fan of watching his story updates and would teeter between being happy to see him happy and angry that he was happy. I guess part of me was holding out for a sign that he missed me. But nearly a month later and there’s been no sign. Well, I suppose that is the sign. The big flashing one that is telling me to move on. I get it. I’m not that naive. At the end of the day, I just didn’t want to settle for knowing I’ll never have closure… For knowing that it really was just that easy for him to leave and stay gone. I am a logical person and I understand that people change their minds, they get scared, they lie, I get it. It just feels so cruel that someone would tell you they love you, they plan to marry you.. They talk about kids and the house you’re going to have and how can you not believe someone when they say “I’d marry you today if your dad would let me” and revel in that fairytale thought? How can you not smile and soak up such incredible feelings… And with me having surgery and having complications, my mom always admired that he never thought twice about it and was my hand to hold, the arms that carried me and the heart that loved me anyways… Once we talked about a car crash scenario and I know it sounds morbid but it isn’t, we were comparing the impact of me being in a crash in a car vs. a truck, which was safer and the likelihood of it paralyzing me. Anyways, I joked that he would have to find a new girlfriend and his response was “No, then I have a girlfriend who is paralyzed, that’s all”. You wouldn’t think that is a romantic thing to say but it just felt like “I’m in this. I’m not going anywhere, no matter what.” And I believed him. Then he left me. So I held on just a little longer. I listened as people assure me he’s going to come back and I admired their optimism. I mean they were certain of it. They’d swear by it even. He’s just young, he’s going to miss you in a day or two and maybe it’ll take a week or two for him to figure it out but he’ll get his act together, I know it!  And I so desperately wanted to believe them. So, I held on to Snapchat, waiting, hoping for a sign… And last night in that one brave moment, I decided it was time. I deleted him. Then I cried. And now it feels so… Final.

Sadly, his earring still sits on the nightstand, his toothbrush and toothpaste still next to “his sink” and his shirts folded neatly on the dryer. I can’t honestly tell you why they’re still there, I simply haven’t touched them. Which is odd because I walk into the bathroom and it almost feels like I’m mourning. I see his toothbrush sitting on his toothpaste and it’s been there for weeks. It’s like when someone dies and you leave their clothes in the closet and their things just as they left them. I literally clean around them. And sure, the memories are there because we laughed that he didn’t have a drawer at my house but he had his toothbrush and that must mean we were “serious”. And he was constantly losing his earrings at night and when I found it he asked me to put it on the nightstand but then put in another pair and never took it home. His shirts… Well I had one and repeatedly told him to take it home. It wasn’t until I did laundry that I realized I also have his favorite shirt. And it’s strange because I’m not the spiteful type to like burn someone’s things but… I’m also not going to reach out and try to give them back. So they just sit there as if he’s coming back for them. I’m making every effort to let go and move on, I am. I guess it’s just one thing at a time… 

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