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failed to survive. I tried

Don’t you know. It’s hard feeling tired every time that you try?

 

I’ve wasted so much time. Now it’s MINE. To heal a wound you need to stop touching it. You should not have to rip yourself into pieces to make someone feel whole. Sometimes you don’t get closure. You just move on.

 

Do not stick your hands into the mouth of the bloody beast.

I’m gonna wear this smile like it’s a hundred dollar bill.

 

You said that you would change. But everything’s the same. It’s the same. It’s always been the same, you will never change.  I’m done asking for favors that should be simple such as be a decent person. I am going to change myself. For myself. And no one else. No one is involved.

 

We need no proper ending. That would mean this meant something.

 

You’re the only proper noun I need.

 

I feel sick but I still have to drink to kill the pain. I feel sick but I still have to drink to stay sane. I feel sick but I still have to drink to keep thoughts of you away. I feel sick but I still have to drink to cover my sadness and pretend everything is okay. If not even for a day, but for the two minutes when I forget you exist. Then there you are again back in my head and I want to kill all of the memories that have always made me stay. I could never stray. I could never stay away. I would walk away but then run right back. Back to the monster that destroyed my life. That destroyed me and left me empty. I am now just a crumpled up shell that used to contain life and love. Now I just want to stand above and not look down but it’s hard when you’re always around. I feel you next to me. You’re with me in everything I do. I want to puke. I’m strong for a single day thinking wow I am so good, I got this. Then I spiral back down into you and get this uncurable hopeless emptiness inside of my existence. I wish I never met you because this pain is unbearable and will haunt me for the rest of my life. I don’t feel alright. I’m glad to have met you because of all the lessons I’ve learned along the way, even though they are full of pain and hate. I was heading the wrong direction because of my obsession over you. I wish I could just cut it off and make it stop but something’s wrong with me that can’t do something so simple. By sheer willpower. That won’t work. Not for me. It’s not that easy. For me.

 

This is going to be the most painful Fall ever and I can’t handle it alone. October will never be the same. October will never not be plastered with thoughts of you. I’m going to cry when I see all of these goddamn pumpkins and I hate everyone. Winter is going to be hell like I’ve never felt. I can’t cuddle you after we come out from the cold. I just want to hold. You. This is so unfair. I never want to love again. You skewed my beliefs about it and I don’t want anyone else. Not even myself.

 

Why can’t I ever listen to anyone else other than myself? When they said “you’re better off alone.” “He doesn’t deserve you.” “He will only hurt you again.” But no. I tell myself the same things, but my heart gets in the way and blocks out my brain. My head was screaming “FUCK NO” but my heart was screaming “I miss you too much to handle. I love you so much. This is what I want.” Just to fall right back into your trap. And eventually, you snapped. I never thought you would put your hands on me again because you hadn’t for months. Then the next moment your hands and crushing my will to breathe.

 

I smell like shit and I look like shit because since I lost you months ago, I’m done caring.

 

The moon is so big and bright tonight and I don’t feel right. Everywhere I look is you and it will never stop. I just can’t see why you couldn’t let us just be happy. Desperate for changing. Starving for truth. It just hurts more than anything knowing that when you get better, if you get better; someone else is going to get the best you there has ever been. And that’s so unfair and cruel and tortures me every day. After I put my all into you and gave you my everything, you could give me nothing. I’m so hurt. No one else deserves you more than me. I am going to be sick.

 

Please. Tell me when you’ve evolved into a good person.

 

I just want you see that you called me. Or texted me. Or reached out even though I wouldn’t be able to handle it, it’s such a loving comforting feeling knowing you care and haven’t given up like I’ve pretended to. I will never lose full faith and give up. I wish time would move quicker so I could get stronger and be in a millimeter less of pain.

 

Do not stick your hands into the mouth of the bloody beast.

 

How did the plans we had disappear into thin air like it was never there. Because I’ve been pouring my whole life in you, trying to resurrect the love we once knew.

 

You’re my one true addiction. I will never not be sick without my fix of you.

So obviously desperate. So desperately obvious.

I’m never going to give you up. Even though I’ve had enough. It’s never enough .I think I’m so strong. But not for long. And I’ve got your back until you die… Gonna protect you til’ I die. And I don’t even have to try. Until I die, I will always be by your side.

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