I am sad and mad at the same time. My relationship status is shaky but I’m too old to start this life thing over again. I have kids who count on me and the lifestyle that my marriage provides. But unfortunately, my marriage is not what I thought it was. My husband has issues with cheating. It has crushed me. I thought everything was great but I was misguided and lied to. My previous husband also cheated on me. I’m surrounded by addicts of one kind or another and they all make me crazy. Why is that? Do I create addicts or do I attract them? I’ve not even ever smoked a cigarette yet I deal with addiction daily. These people make me worry, they hurt themselves which in turn hurts me. My relationship is currently a mess due to the addictions. My life has been a fake fantasy. I find out that nothing has been real, that I’ve been deceived. Am I stupid not to have seen the signs? Do I choose to stay and stick it out or move on and leave? Will I just find more addicts is I leave? Why should I be the one to suffer when leaving? I haven’t been the deceitful person. I have been transparent, honest, and faithful. Yet I’m the one who would suffer if I chose to be alone. I can’t afford to support myself or my kids. I would be selfish to change the lifestyle of my children because I’m sad and can’t handle my situation. 

So basically, I found out that my husband has cheated on me for the 3rd time in our marriage. I had a miserable time experience when I left my last husband for the same reason. I was broke as shit both financially and mentally. I no undoubtedly scarred at least my oldest children. Here I sit 8 years later with a very similar situation. I have again over the past several years stood behind a man as he bettered himself. I was his cheerleader and encouraged him into a better job and financial position. Now that I have started to benefit from his success, I find he is giving his intimate attention to someone else. So to leave means that I give up and financial stability that I deserve to enjoy. I would be the poor barely getting by single mom while he would be continuing to benefit from the financial success that I helped him achieve. How much does it suck that I am now dependent on a man who is not faithful to me? Why should I be punished with poverty due to his poor behavior in the marriage? So do I stay and basically use him for the wealth that I helped build so that my children can continue their lifestyle or do I fuck up everyone’s world because I can’t handle the emotions that I am battling? How could I not have seen the signs of unfaithfulness yet again? I wish I could be one of those fake bitches that just doesn’t care but instead I feel like I’m going insane. I am loosing faith in everything that is good. I start therapy later this week. I really hope it gets me out of this torturous rut I’m in. Oh, how I wish I could go back to the life I believed I had. I really hate the reality of my current one. 

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