My life feels so out of control. The other day for example I was watching Greys Anatomy and a song came on in the background that caught my attention. I was curious so I Googled the lyrics and find out it’s about a girl who is 29 (same age as me), who has it good but just quietly off and disappears. I don’t feel like I want to disappear, I don’t think? But for whatever reason I felt like it struck a nerve and I cried when I read the lyrics. Then today I watched “Me Before You” which I thought was about a girl who falls in love with a paraplegic and it is, only, they forget to mention he’s given his family six months before he commits doctor assisted suicide. Again, I don’t want to kill myself, it’s just… When I was with Andrew (previously mentioned love of my life whom I wanted to marry) my Mom once said how lucky I was to have found him because not many guys would be willing to date a girl going through the medical hardships that I am… She meant well and was simply admiring how he knew before he even met me in person and yet it never phased him. He was right there by my side and always took such good care of me. Anyways, the point is, that movie made me think about it and wonder if I’ll ever get better or if anyone will ever love me.
I have battled severe depression, anxiety and PTSD my entire life and I am a warrior because of it. I am the girl who learned how to cope without medication, despite how much harder it is. I became successful and made it to work, even on the days when I felt like it was impossible to get out of bed. I was the employee everyone wanted.
And then my car accident happened and I almost died waking up from surgery. And even then my doctors checked on me before any other patients in the mornings and the nurses tried to keep me instead of transferring me to recovery and they fought over who got to take me there because I was always so cheerful, despite all that had happened… And I came up with a plan of how to get better. Going to the gym, physical therapy, cleaner eating, you name it… And 8 months later, I am faced with choice of a second surgery or never getting better… I get scolded for not taking it easy and overdoing it at the gym. I promised myself I’d do everything in my power not to lose this battle so I have seen surgeons, physical therapists, massage therapists, chiropractors, etc. I’ve had injections, MRI’s, Xrays, you name it… And still, I am losing. It is hard enough for a person with depression to be defeated once but I have been defeated over and over and over again and I am exhausted. The thought of a second surgery terrifies me. On one hand, this may be my saving grace. But if not, this could be my new life. Or I could end up even worse than I am now… And what it comes down to is I can and I do, fight, every single day to find the beauty in another day. To enjoy the sound of the rain, to soak up the sun, to be productive and go out and find things to be grateful for. But there comes a time when your soul is tired. When your strength is gone and you’re weary… When you can’t help but to wonder, why me? And I am not a complainer nor am I one to have pity parties. I know that God has a plan and this is part of it but I just want someone to love me… I don’t want to be the girl battling mental illness and pain and physical limitations. I want to be the girl who wakes up with butterflies in her stomach and spends her days with her head in the clouds because of a boy who loves her… But I also don’t want to be someone else’s charity case or to have to explain myself as to why I am the way I am or how I got here. People hear that I haven’t worked in 8 months and they think I’m lazy or living off the state. Which, let me be very clear, I am anything but lazy and I am living off the money I had saved to buy a house with. And every time I explain my circumstances, I wonder why I am defending myself. I am alive, thankfully, and the last thing I should feel the need to do is explain to strangers that I am still paying my own bills.
That being said, I am out of tears and I can barely think straight so for now, this is where I leave you.