Something to celebrate
I haven’t written in a very long time, I’ve realized that it is easier for me to write when I am sad and I haven’t been all that sad lately. Today’s topic seemed perfect though. This weekend was a monumental weekend for me. I for the first time in 6 years felt like the woman I used to be before I met my husband. I made choices that bettered me and I stood my ground even though my heart was pulling me in another direction. Let me explain….
On Friday night I got a text from my ex E…E was a man I loved long before my husband. He and I have always had a complicated relationship, we were never really able to let go of each other. We’ve had countless affairs (not something I am proud of), we tend to fall back into old habits when we see each other for long periods of time. That all being said we have also been a shoulder to cry on, a support to each other and we always wish the other is happy. We from time to time grab drinks and catch up and he wanted to take me out for Birthday drinks. I thought about it for a bit, and suddenly realized I had no desire to see him, it was a weird feeling but I said no. This was a man who I could very rarely ever say no to and suddenly I didn’t care if I saw him or not. It was shocking but in a good way.
Fast forward to 11 pm Friday night, T called me…if you’ve been reading my journal, you know how much he hurt me. He lied about having a gf etc. I had blocked his number months ago and apparently it was unblocked somehow. When he left me a voicemail that said “I love you, call me back” My heart almost started beating out of my chest. I called him back out of curiosity and didn’t give in. He proceeded to text and call me all weekend. I offered to meet him to hear him out and when he couldn’t pin point a time I simply said “Nothing has changed, I’m done with this convo” and blocked his number again. It was an empowering moment for me, as much as my heart wanted to see him and pretend everything was going to be fine my mind overpowered my heart. He can’t manipulate me anymore, I can see through him and it was extremely important because I have been afraid to trust my own judgment for so long. Clearly I CAN make the right choices for me, I just have to listen…
I used to be a woman who didn’t put up with shit from anyone, as my brother used to say I had this “spark”. It’s definitely back, I’m not sure if it’s back because I love myself again, or if it’s because I am realizing I am worth more than my Ex husband made me feel I was. I am slowly becoming the woman I always was and that is something to celebrate. I feel like me again, the little shit doesn’t bother me like it used to, I’m not going to lie and say I never have my moments of weakness, we all do but I am slowly healing.
I’m back bitches 🙂
*I cannot compromise my respect for your love. You can keep your love, I will keep my respect*