December 6, 2016

Dear Diary?

i dont know how to start this i guess you say whats on your mind?

well, the other day, (december 3 ) i fought with my long time boyfriend, i dont know what to name him here, but lets just call him Anthony, me and anthony have been together almost  3 years, seems like forever. we always fight, but this time it was different we almost ended it for good. Honestly, i dont know if i was scared or relieved? i love him i am in love with him, i even want to marry him, but i guess its complicated. i continuously put myself down, i dont feel good enough for him.

he deserves the world and someone who can give that to him and i feel like i cant give that to him because i cant even give any of that to myself. my issues with him are way deeper than us, its me. i sound so cliche with the ” its not you it me,’ crap. But i truly believe that.

hes such an amazing guy, maybe i met him at the wrong time? 

i met him when i was only 15 and im barely turning 19, is it too early to settle down? Well i mean a little to late for that, i have been living with him on and off since i met him. And that story will be told later. 

anyways.

he was 18 when i was 15 so you can only imagine how that went. from the start it was like “forbidden.” he took care of me, he still is, hes lying beside me as i type… 

he doesnt see this any of this. 

i keep getting side tracked….

hes good to me for the most part, i guess?

like i know he loves me, i love him, just things are changing now i feel as if he resents me, i cant shake that off. i didnt mean to get in the middle of his dreams, i didnt even want him to get in the middle of mine.Before i met him i had plans i even registered for early acceptance into colleges, i wanted to join the army 2 years after high school i wanted to join clubs even be on the debate team i had all honors classes entering high school. just as i was making a list of what i wanted i didnt think of having a famly, and when i met him, i thought of home. he became my home, my everything. i want to grow old with him and look back at all the crazy things me and him went through, but now its not even clear if we have a future together.

it 3:07 a.m so im going to turn this down for now, 

goodnight journal,

 xo. 

One thought on “December 6, 2016”

  1. Try to have a better opinion of yourself — you are his treasure, the love of his life. You are beautiful, loyal, loveable. And be that person to him. Laugh together a lot. Treat him as if you have no negative history. Believe him if he says he loves you. Think how lucky he is to have you. Could anyone love him more? Now….go for it! (smiles)

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