i dont know how to start this i guess you say whats on your mind?
well, the other day, (december 3 ) i fought with my long time boyfriend, i dont know what to name him here, but lets just call him Anthony, me and anthony have been together almost 3 years, seems like forever. we always fight, but this time it was different we almost ended it for good. Honestly, i dont know if i was scared or relieved? i love him i am in love with him, i even want to marry him, but i guess its complicated. i continuously put myself down, i dont feel good enough for him.
he deserves the world and someone who can give that to him and i feel like i cant give that to him because i cant even give any of that to myself. my issues with him are way deeper than us, its me. i sound so cliche with the ” its not you it me,’ crap. But i truly believe that.
hes such an amazing guy, maybe i met him at the wrong time?
i met him when i was only 15 and im barely turning 19, is it too early to settle down? Well i mean a little to late for that, i have been living with him on and off since i met him. And that story will be told later.
he was 18 when i was 15 so you can only imagine how that went. from the start it was like “forbidden.” he took care of me, he still is, hes lying beside me as i type…
he doesnt see this any of this.
i keep getting side tracked….
hes good to me for the most part, i guess?
like i know he loves me, i love him, just things are changing now i feel as if he resents me, i cant shake that off. i didnt mean to get in the middle of his dreams, i didnt even want him to get in the middle of mine.Before i met him i had plans i even registered for early acceptance into colleges, i wanted to join the army 2 years after high school i wanted to join clubs even be on the debate team i had all honors classes entering high school. just as i was making a list of what i wanted i didnt think of having a famly, and when i met him, i thought of home. he became my home, my everything. i want to grow old with him and look back at all the crazy things me and him went through, but now its not even clear if we have a future together.
it 3:07 a.m so im going to turn this down for now,