I’ve bonded with the child I don’t yet know that’s growing inside of me. I already love my child so much. I was scared and questioning everything but I know in my heart I want this baby. I know in my soul I am ready and beyond willing to be a Mom.
I’ve had the last few days to really think about things and reflect on my fears. I also had some important and relationship shaking conversations with Justin over the course of the past few days; all in all we’ve sorted things out. We put some things into the past and locked them away where they belong. We’ve begun squashing the doubts I’m having and are attempting to mend the damage caused. As always we come out a stronger duo/unit than before.
I know this man and I can get through anything.
My family has been fairly positive when it come finding out the news of my pregnancy and my most immediate family members seem to be the one’s causing me the most stress and worry the last four days now. My Mom especially. I don’t think I’ll ever quite understand how she can see me as upset as I am and still manage to not feel a thing or show it. I won’t ever understand her abrasiveness and cold nature. I’m almost even to the point where I don’t even want anything to do with her at all. If she can’t be a Mother when I need her most then why allow her the pleasure of being a Grandma and “half-assing” that as well. She doesn’t understand the pain she causes. She only talks of her own. She’s so quick to point out the hurt she feels but even quicker to diminish and neglect the pain she causes me. Funny how it’s easy to showcase when you feel ‘done wrong’ but difficult to even listen to someone telling you you’re hurting them. If I’m hurt she’s suddenly a bad mother. If I feel offended I’m now blaming everyone for my life choices and outcomes. Either way I lose. Either way I don’t have her to go to despite her requests that I confide in her… No fucks given (and not on my end).
Today was supposed to be a good day for us. Two whole official months with the man I adore, football, and quality time together since he was off today but it all went south from the moment we woke up to the moment I’m now lying here typing this out. We tried to make the most of it and left the house to clear our minds and get some food in my belly. Things seemed to be getting less tense. Justin and I were laughing, carrying on, sharing our frustrations and venting while eating Zaxby’s and enjoying the company of one another. I needed to pee before we were leaving and that’s when it all began. I use the restroom, wipe, and BOOM…. RED.
We rush to the ER and ultimately get the disheartening news that my hCg levels were low to be an estimated five weeks along. Low meaning 27. Anything below 25 isn’t even classified as pregnant so you can see my concern especially when the nurse tells me my urine sample showed negative. We are flabbergasted and of course immediately concerned… It doesn’t help that they give you the news like it’s the daily weather forecast either. 3 hours or so in a scary hospital room and I get to leave fearing I may not ever meet my Daughter (I’m convinced it’s going to be a girl). I get to leave feeling like my world is ending.
It doesn’t help that my very own parents can’t lend one kind word when we do get back home. I’ll honestly never forget my Mother looking me in the face and telling me she is “tired of feeling things for me.” I’ll never forget crying her name out time and time again after my panic attack a few nights back and her walking away to sleep. I won’t forget how she made a snide comment when she came upstairs to feed the cats blabbing about how we supposedly don’t wanna socialize and wanna sleep all day. I respond with “I’m just not feeling too well” (I mean it’s not like I’m pregnant), and her response, “You’re always not feeling well”,…. I regret going downstairs and crying in front of her and telling her YET AGAIN that I needed her only for her to reject me…
It’s hard not to wonder if maybe she hates me in some ways. Or it’s as if she knows I’m not the Daughter she ultimately thought she’d have or wanted, cause I mean it is how she honestly acts. Either way I don’t even feel welcome in my own home. Either way this spotting I’m having is either directly correlated with my early pregnancy or it’s directly correlated with the horrible environment I’m in that is not going to be beneficial to my growing belly and changing body. I just want my Mom ya know? Yes, I’m 26 but a girl never stops needing her Mama. It’s just hard to continue feeling the love when it isn’t expressed in any way that can change my opinion. Why is it so easy to lend me 300 dollars and so difficult to give me a hug? Why is it so easy to provide for me but so hard to talk to me or even listen to what I have to say? Why can’t I just have a Mom that can show me she loves me? Why do I feel so downright alone in this aspect. Why does she talk so badly of me to my Step-Dad downstairs while my boyfriend is here and not caring that we hear her. Why does she always have something negative to say about me? Does she even think good things about me or am I just one big blob of mess up to her?
Why do I feel like if I stay here at this house through this whole pregnancy (God willing my baby is healthy and growing properly), that I’ll lose it anyways? She claims to be so excited about being a Grandma but turns around and says she’s sad I am pregnant. They go hand in hand though; can’t have one without the other but somehow it’s only exciting for her, it’s not exciting that I’m growing a human being. It’s not even thought about that her own creation is now joining her in Motherhood. Doesn’t even phase her that I need her now more than I EVER have. I just wish she’d tell me I can do this. I wish she’d try to motivate me instead of always belittling me. So many people know now and almost all were so nice to say I’m gonna be a fantastic Mom. Even my ex-husband who tried taking my life told me he was stoked for me and that I’d be the best Mom.. but my own just says she’s excited on social media and treats me like dirt aside from it.
I know I don’t need anyone to get through this. Well… I do need Justin. But this is one of the happiest times of my life. The most terrifying but the most humbling and eye opening thing I’ve ever experienced and I want her there for the ride. It’s just sad that it’s looking like I might have to shut her out of it all completely just to have some peace.
I have to see a OBGYN in two days for more blood work and that’s where the true test comes to be. I NEED my hCg levels to double and be in the 50s in order for my pregnancy to have hope. I want this baby. I wanna see her face. Kiss her. Hear her cry. I NEED this baby and I just pray God isn’t ready for her just yet. I feel blessed to not have a riddled and broken body unable of conceiving like I thought I have had since the abuse I endured during my marriage. I feel blessed to know life can grow inside of me. I just want my chance. I want my time. I want my spotlight. I want this and I am so scared it’s slipping from me with every pink hue on the toilet tissue.
This is going to be the longest two days of my life and literally all I can do is wait. I feel so useless and helpless.